teehee.

search keywords

This has to be mentioned. I can't stop laughing.

I was looking at my blogger stats. It tells me all kinds of stuff...aside from how many people view my blog, how many times each post is looked at, where the traffic originated from (like, Facebook, etc.), what country my readers are from...and of course, "search keywords," as in, what people have typed in a search engine which led them to my page. Some of these things are hilarious, and I don't know how it was linked to my page. Then again, a lot of things don't make sense. Enjoy.

"lobster's closest relative"
"michael graves prep bowls"
"thigh high socks"
baby bunting knitting pattern
baby kitten bread
do cats hold grudges?
hi pumpkin
how do i know what tension is on my spinning bike?
if moss is on outside of pineapple
is it possible for amniotic sac to be intact at miscarriage <---(this one made me sad). :(
lemonade cupcakes with lemon cake mix
mostly organic blog
nick toon
roaring 20s eyeshadow

and my favorite....

suspect coworker pregnant, to ask or not

I think I'll check these periodically and post them for your (or my own) enjoyment.

ode to my husband

Okay, this isn't really going to be an "ode" because that means I'd have to be creative. I don't have the energy for that. I really just want to point out some of the many things Husband has done for me lately and make it clear that I am a super lucky lady.

See this guy? I'm so lucky to have him. :)


He married me, and I don't know why.

He drives me everywhere, even to work at 6:30am when he has no reason to be up that early. And why? Because the pregnancy is making me feel icky, tired, and I'm scared of driving when the roads have the potential of being slippery.

He does the dishes all the time.

He cleans the catbox.

He takes out the garbage.

He does the laundry.

He makes the bed.

He rubs my back every night.

He always fills up my water bottle and heats up my heating pad.

I fricken love him more than anything.

Some people might think we look weird together. Because he's so white, and I'm not. Ha!

But that's okay, because my hand fits perfect with his.

There is much much more, of course....but these few things are really important and mean so much to me. I appreciate him 24/7, and I appreciate him even MORE when he isn't around, because I notice how lost I am when he isn't here.

Like right now, and how the cat just vomited up all of her wet food that she just ate, and I have to clean it up.

11 step program for those thinking of having kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent.

once a month...

OH! Before I forget, here is a fun wallpaper! I'm going put this on my computer when I get back to work on Monday. I love it.

I hate the first weekend of the month. Unless the first weekend of the month is a holiday, then I hate the second weekend of the month. It sucks. That's the weekend Husband always has to leave for training. It's worse in the winter time, because I always worry about him driving an hour and a half if the roads are bad. I know I shouldn't worry. He's a good driver. I just worry though and I can't help it. I should stop, because it's not going to help anything, and it certainly isn't going to make it easier on me. Then, being pregnant, I get sad and cry, and he feels bad about having to leave. So I pretty much make it worse for both of us.

I want chocolate. So before he left, I went to the store with him. He had to pick up some snacks. So I wanted to get chocolate. I wanted chocolate mousse. You can get the instant kind from the box and it takes 5 minutes to make, then you throw it in the fridge for an hour. Now, before you judge me for making boxed dessert, I'll have you know that actual chocolate mousse is a tedious and time consuming project, of which I do not have the energy to embark on.

You need like 7 eggs, chopped bittersweet chocolate, sugar, salt, heavy cream, kirschwasser, drive, ambition; the last two ingredients, the most important, are things I do not have. You have to melt the chocolate over simmering water in a heat-proof bowl, then in another bowl you have to whip the cream into stiff peaks, and if you do it too much making it become grainy, you have to throw it out and start over. Then in a third bowl, you have to whip the egg whites, which you should have separated from the yolks to begin with. Then you have to put sugar in that and whip it into a meringue. THEN you have to fold in the egg yolks and kirschwasser. THEN you have to fold in the melted chocolate. THEN you have to fold in the whipped cream. THEN you have to chill it for 2 hours. By the time you are done, you don't even want it anymore, especially if you are pregnant. And being pregnant, you can't have uncooked egg. I've learned really quick that if I want something, I need to have it within 5 minutes because if it takes forever to make, I won't want it by the time it is done. I suppose there are different ways to make it, but this way is best...

Hence, chocolate mousse from a box. Granted, it's not as good....kind of like microwaving an eggroll. But sometimes you have to lower your expectations in order to be happy. Ooh...eggrolls. That sounds good....

So I am alone with my instant chocolate mousse, my cat, my bird, and a sore tummy. I'm tempted to go with Husband on these weekends as the weather warms up...but then I'll be more pregnant, and what if something goes wrong? On Sundays, he doesn't get done with work until 4:30 yet has to check out of the hotel no later than 10am (he usually does it when he leaves for work at 7am). So this means I would have to check out of the hotel at 10am, and then find something to do for the whole day. I can't shop all day, mainly because I'm so tired and I pee all the time. You can't ask a pregnant woman to have no option of napping for 6 hours straight if she's going to be on her feet the entire time. Not good. So, whatever.

Husband hung up some spray millet for Fred to munch on. He hung it sort of in the middle of his cage. Fred, being the proper bird he is, drug it over to his food dish and eats it over there. Just like someone who would rather eat at the dining room table instead of in front of the television. I love Fred.

I also picked up a box of blueberry muffin mix. Sad, huh? At the store I was in the baking aisle and all of a sudden I wanted cake and muffins. Along with the mousse. Pathetic. Now I have this box of muffin mix that I really shouldn't make. Maybe I'll wait and make it on Sunday when Husband comes home. It's blueberry. Homemade is always better...but blueberries are not in season and I am not going to spend $5 on a 1/4 pint at the grocery store. So, $1.00 Krusteaz muffin mix. Yay! I'm a homemaker.

fat chair vs. love seat

I went to the clinic today. I was telling this story, and after I thought more about it, I think I got it mixed up. A few weeks ago when I was at the clinic for a prenatal appointment, Husband and I were in the waiting room. There was one of those larger chairs that looks like it could be for two people, yet maybe not quite big enough. I told my friend that Husband thought it was a love seat and said we could sit together. But now the more I think about it, I am pretty sure I mixed the story up. I think I may have been the one to tell him to sit by me in the love seat, and he may have told me that it was not in fact a love seat, but a fat chair. Maybe I thought that it was the other way around because I'm in denial that I'm so stupid sometimes. I'm still not sure. He may have said it, or I may have said it. It just doesn't seem like he'd be that clueless. It seems more like something I would do. I don't want to ask him. I'm too embarrassed. Either way, I know now that this is not a seat for two. Well it is a seat for two...if you are referring to two larger butt cheeks. But really, just a seat for one person. Or perhaps two toddlers who are naughty. Or two adults who really want to be close and uncomfortable.


A love seat is much wider and roomier, and comfortable. A love seat allows you to be comfortable and put your legs on the person who is sitting with you. Here's a love seat. And just in case there is any confusion, my friend here will point out that it is for TWO people. Or, she might be making a peace sign. I'm not sure.


Now, if you are of a larger stature, don't take offense to me calling it a 'fat chair.' In reality, it's my favorite chair to sit on. Maybe that means I have a big butt.

sigh.

I cried at work today while eating a banana. I don't even know why. I was telling Jessie about how I'm really hormonal lately and emotional, and how I keep screwing up and saying the wrong thing and offending people. I offended her. She was telling me about something with work and my response basically sounded like I was telling her that the way she does her job is stupid. Which is totally not what I meant to say at all. And then this morning, I said something to Husband that came out wrong and I hurt his feelings. I feel like a bad friend and a bad wife. Or I am taking things the wrong way and getting more upset than I need to. As I was explaining all of this to her while eating a banana, I started to cry.

I feel okay now. Maybe because I ate pasta. Not like that changes things, but pasta with pesto is really good. I made too much though, so now I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll cry about that too.

Jessie has a sweet BPA-free water bottle with a built-in straw that she got from Target. I wanted one too, so I went after work to get one, and they didn't have anymore. They only had the kind that was huge. Hers was like, a 24-ounce and the only one they had was a 32-ounce. They also only had blue and not pink. I almost started to cry. But I really wanted a BPA-free water bottle with a built-in straw because I need to drink more water, and I will drink more if I get to use a straw. So, I got it, but it's huge and has a handle and looks more like some sort of manly jug and it's blue. I almost cried.

But then I found Ben & Jerry's Mud Pie ice cream, and decided to buy it. I haven't really been craving sweets at all, believe it or not. How weird is that. And I'm not craving this ice cream. But it looked good, so I bought it for a time when I will need it. Because sometimes people need things like that.

Husband went to buy a lottery ticket tonight. The jackpot is something around $300 million. I'm positive we will win. You know, because it's highly likely, of course. Then maybe we can go on a babymoon before the baby is born. I wish we were people who could do that. I wish that Husband was done with school so we could be a dual income household and be able to go on a vacation once in a while. If we were, we'd go to Hawaii. I'd use two weeks of vacation and we'd go to Hawaii and go to the Dole plantation so I could have some pineapple ice cream. We'd go see Volcano National Park. We'd go to the beach. I'd dig a hole in the sand so I could lay on my stomach. We'd eat guava and lychees from a tree. We'd watch the sunset and kiss each other. But we aren't those people, so we won't be doing that, and all I have is pineapple from a can and Galapagos on DVD. And I have to watch it in the basement. Also, I haven't felt the sun in ages. I live in the Arctic, and it's not even fun, because there are no penguins, moose, or polar bears. I'm wearing socks that have polar bears on it. That's the closest I'll come to anything.

Husband is all pumped because he received a free 10-day trial of Cataclysm from Blizzard. He likes World of Warcraft but rarely plays it, because he's in school, and just doesn't have time (nor do we have the extra money to be spending right now). But now he has this free trial. He wolfed down his pasta and bolted upstairs. I hear him killing monsters. I'm downstairs. I am lonely, cold, and lacking things.