Lacking

I'm lacking inspiration lately. I don't feel great. I don't know why. But it has been a couple of days since I've said anything, so I'll just list a bunch of random things that have happened to me since Monday, in no particular order.

- I went for a walk the other day while I was at work. I walked downtown. I saw a SWAT vehicle. It was black and looked like an amazing armored vehicle and it said:

[insert county name] COUNTY SHERIFF DEPT S.W.A.T. TEAM

I guess they aren't concerned about being inconspicuous. I questioned why it was in the parking lot of a massage parlor. Then I questioned myself as to why I did not have my camera with me. My co-worker, Jessie, can vouch, as she was there and saw it, too.

- Speaking of Jessie, I need to give her honorable mention. When I had my solo vodka party the other night, I was texting her and she was giving me advice on what to do. I don't remember much, but I do remember her trying to convince me to make a hat out of my menu. I didn't do it. Thanks, Jessie.

- I went and visited my pregnant friend in the hospital yesterday. She isn't due until Thanksgiving, but the baby is coming early. I went to see her with my other pregnant friend. I'm really starting to feel like the outcast. I'd say 'third wheel' but that's stupid, because many vehicles have three wheels. Like tricycles and....well, I guess that's it.

- I made a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner.

- I can't wait for tonight's episode of South Park. It's all about New Jersey.

- Speaking of New Jersey, the old lady who works at the grocery store in the small town south of here is afraid of me. She thinks I'm one of the Jerseys. It's because I dyed my hair jet black, which I mentioned before. I really don't want to have to get a spray tan, so people need to stop making assumptions.

- I am fat. I need to start jogging or something.

- Jessie's plant is dying of cancer. We sent a sympathy card around so people could sign it. Again, your State tax dollars at work.


- Every time my mother is angry with me, she gives me the silent treatment for days, except she calls and leaves me cold voicemails asking me to return her [insert clothing or jewelry item here] that I borrowed at one time. It's her right to have her things back of course, which I will comply with. I just find it interesting that she only does that when she is mad, and continues to ignore my text messages and whatnot aside from that. It's a recurrent pattern. On a sidenote to that, I think my parents are considering disowning me. But I don't really want them to. So I feel that if I keep her earrings and tell her that I haven't found them yet, she'll have an excuse to call me again. I did that to my husband when we first started dating, only it was slightly different. I was head over heels for him and I was paranoid that he didn't feel the same way. So I thought I would have to devise some way to give him an excuse to call me. I borrowed his favorite movie and consistently "forgot" to bring it over each time I'd visit. After we got married I told him about my evil plan to keep him from blowing me off. He told me that was silly, because if he hadn't liked me, he would have just bought another copy of the movie. Wow, thanks!

- I bought this amazing yarn from this place. It's silk ribbon yarn, made from recycled saris, hand spun by women in India, it's fair trade, and overall just plain amazing. I made a scarf.


I love it. I love all the colors and how it's from just one skein of yarn. I have three more skeins. I don't know what to make. PRETTY SILK SCARF!!!

Angry cat is angry because she cannot eat the yarn. So angry!

Important Women's Health Issue

Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.

Good dog.

I am going to talk about my dog, Max.

Here's Max as a puppy.


When I was in college, my dad found a flyer on a bulletin board somewhere. It was a home-printed advertisement for Siberian husky puppies. Apparently this family a couple of hours away had a hobby which involved raising and racing sled dogs. Their dog had puppies and they had enough dogs already, so the puppies were for sale. Oh yay!! I don't know why my dad brought the flyer home because as he was showing it to us, he said that getting a dog was not feasible. Then why bring the flyer home? That's like baking cookies and saying, "But we're watching our weight so we won't be eating these," and then throwing them in the garbage.

My mom and I were upset. I don't know why I was as upset. I didn't even live with them anymore. About a week later, my mom and I devised a plan to get a dog. We told my dad that we had a surprise for him and we didn't tell him where we were going. We drove as a family to this place and said, "Happy Valentine's Day! It's puppy day!!" Now that I look back, I wonder if my dad felt shafted. We made it seem like it was a gift for him but really, I picked out the puppy and he just wrote the check.

I love Max. What a great dog. I can't possibly talk about all of the things he has done up to this day because it would take too long. He talks. He jumps on the bed. He refuses to do things unless he wants to. And he chases criminals.


Yes, he chases criminals.

I am sad that I was not present for this incident. I would have been so proud.

Friday night, some maniac was being chased by the police in a high speed pursuit. He ended up on the street where my parents live. His car ended up in the neighbor's yard as he fled and tried to escape through our backyard. Little did he know that our vicious howling dog was waiting for him. Max scared the guy, the guy became disoriented and fell over a huge pile of wood that my dad had just chopped. HAHA! Max does not get the honorable recognition that he deserves, but it's okay. He got a cookie anyway.

Read about it here.

Good dog, Max. Good dog.

Dinner: Interrupted.

There are some things that happen to people. Then there are things that happen to me.

I went out of town to spend some time with my mom at a resort in the middle of nowhere. There was this women's retreat with my church. It was pretty nice, but I felt sick most of the weekend so I was pretty antisocial. I slept all day on Saturday. I didn't take very many pictures as a result, because I didn't leave the hotel much. I did take a couple of pictures of the place, along with a picture of a mushroom that I saw growing in the grass near the parking lot as I was loading my suitcase into the back of my SUV this morning.

Here's the mushroom.


Here is a picture of the mushroom quesadillas that I ordered via room service. I do not believe that they were made from the same mushrooms I saw growing outside. For $15, they better not have been.


And, here are some pictures of the resort.



Fast forward to this evening. The weekend was fine. But I really missed my husband. So I came home and he decided it would be a good idea to go on a date. So he took me to a casual place that we frequent because their food is good and they have all day happy hour on football days and also during the week from 5pm to 7pm.

Oh, but I forgot to mention - on Friday about an hour after I left, he called me and told me that our other car (which is a stick shift) was stuck in 2nd gear. Great. He planned on getting it over to our friend's auto repair shop at some point during the weekend. Driving it was out of the question so it had to be towed. I swear, it's always something.

My dad said that he could get it towed for us free of charge because of some thing he is signed up for. I don't know what. Anyway, so fast forward to tonight again. We're at dinner. We ordered food. Then my dad calls and says that the tow-truck guy will be at our place "within the hour" and my husband has to be there. So he leaves to go and meet the guy. He told the waitress to ask the kitchen to take his steak off of the grill for now. He leaves me alone. I've never been left alone at a restaurant while on a date. I suppose there is a first time for everything.

Once, I did that to a guy. It was a blind date. We went to a movie. We were going to watch "1o Things I Hate About You." During the credits, I had already discovered 10 things I hated about him. I excused myself to use the restroom and I never came back. That was 10 years ago. I hope he isn't still waiting for me to return.

Since it was my husband who had to leave me (for a good reason) I knew he would come back to get me.

I thought it would be okay. I thought I could eat my spinach tortellini and have a mint chocolate martini alone and have it not be awkward. But it was awkward. I ate really slow but I couldn't even look like I had a reason for eating alone. I had nothing to pretend to be working on. No laptop. All I had to read was the martini menu. So I ordered the chocolate hazelnut-tini. I ate a little more pasta. I ate a piece of cheesy bread. I did it in a fancy way. Then I ordered a vanilla chocolate martini. It left much to be desired, so I ate some more bread. I started to feel really embarrassed and vulnerable. I was worried that people might be talking about me. What if people thought that I was some sad alcoholic? Or worse yet, what if they thought I was on a blind date and my date ditched me by telling me he was going to use the restroom and then he never came back? It was obvious someone had been with me momentarily, based on the half-empty glass of Diet Coke.

What's a girl to do? I called my husband's friend, who was also the best man at our wedding. I told him that I would buy him a beer if he came and kept me company. I didn't really explain, just that I needed him to hang out with me because the high class impression I was hoping to make was failing. I didn't even have a fancy hat to wear.

So, best man to the rescue. We talked about the Twilight Saga, my husband's ex-girlfriend, and plans for Halloween. I did buy him a beer. He paid for his own buffalo wings. My husband did arrive after a little over an hour. By the time we all left, I had been there for over two hours, over half of that time spent dominating the martini menu alone. During this time, the waitress had begun calling my husband by the nickname that I call him, which was both confusing and upsetting to me. I'm glad we left when we did.

Too tired for a 10 in 10. Here's a 5 in 5.

1.) Why do so many brides want their bridesmaids to look ugly? Putting your girls in unflattering dresses that make their calves look fat and shoes that give even the skinniest girls cankles isn't going to make you prettier. It's just going to make me think you have bad taste.

2.) Along with the wedding topic - trying too hard at being trendy just ends up looking tacky. It's bad enough you made your bridesmaids ugly. Tacky. Sad. Less is more. LESS is MORE.

3.) I know that just because something is both vegan and organic doesn't mean it is healthy or that I should eat it. But I don't smoke, do cocaine, or shoplift. I will eat this Pumpkin Spice Cookie from the Alternative Baking Company.

4.) Before I left for the weekend, I had my hair colored to be its natural color. It's black. Kim Kardashian black. It's really dark and I'm not used to it, but this is apparently what I am supposed to look like. I am currently wearing a black shirt, and my skin is super pale right now, and I look like I'm going to perform a spell. Or listen to The Cure.

5.) I really would like to have a baby. I can't help but think that my solo vodka party tonight may have been counterproductive.

My stomach hurts.

Sadness, personified.

This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. I expressed my woes with this stupid hat not too long ago with a couple of friends of mine. Is this fashionable? Am I just not up to date with what's trendy? I thought I was. I really don't care much if I am, but I don't think I have terrible style ALL of the time. I own leggings and boots and drop waisted shirt dresses. But that's where I draw the line. You'll never see me wearing a stupid fashion turban. Unless I am wearing my bathrobe and just got out of the shower. And it wouldn't be a turban. It would be a towel. This is a failure in so many ways. And it's $78.


Hats don't look good on me. But I don't think that this particular hat would look good on anyone. Look at the model. She is sad for a lot of reasons. She is tired of eating carrots. She wants a sandwich. She wants ice cream. She wants to be able to have her period. And now she is being forced to wear this hat. That expression she has is the same one I used to have when I worked for an insurance company processing claims 40+ hours per week on the second shift. I think this hat would have pushed me over the edge.

I sat in a cubicle which was half the size of the one I have now, and on top of that, I shared it with someone, so I could only decorate half of it. And I wasn't allowed to leave my desk. I had to process insurance claims all day. And they micromanaged me. They had a timer on my computer so it could tell how many claims I was processing each minute and it could tell if I wasn't processing claims. I don't even know who "they" were. Once, my boss sat me down and he had this 5-page spreadsheet with numbers on it. My numbers. It was some sort of grid with times on one side and...I don't know, blood stains on the other. He said, "I see that you had a 12-minute gap here where you did not clear any claims. What were you doing?" I replied, "Uh, that was over 3 weeks ago, on a Tuesday. I honestly don't know what I was doing 3 weeks ago on Tuesday from 12:17pm to 12:29pm. I might have been pooping." That's the last time he ever asked me about my "gaps" during which I apparently processed no claims. I guess they referred to them as "pauses." I call them "bathroom breaks" or "stretching my legs" or "contemplating suicide." I may or may not have had "gaps" in my daily numbers during which I was plotting ways in which to take my own life and make it look like an accident. I didn't like working there. I like my job now. My job now actually saved me from killing myself. This isn't a cry for help or anything.

This leads me to my next topic. The hat thing, that is.

So we had a fire drill today. I don't really know what to say about it but I feel like I need to talk about it. It was awkward. We all went outside to the park across from my building and stood there for 2 minutes while someone with a clipboard walked around and checked names off. Someone thought it would be a funny idea to wear stupid hats. There's a guy who works in my office who has been there for a really long time and I don't know why, but he has a million random hats in his cubicle. I can't explain it any better than that. I think I've seen at least one mannequin head wearing a hat. I don't know why. I'm sure there's a story behind it. Have I mentioned that I don't know why? In any case, so a bunch of people wore these hats. I'm guilty and have to admit that I wore one, because I felt like I couldn't write about it unless I participated in it. It was made of faux leopard fur. I'm completely serious. A co-worker of mine did not have a hat to wear because they were all taken. For some reason, this guy also had a stainless steel mixing bowl at his desk. She wore that as a hat. I looked to my left and saw my supervisor wearing what looked like a pumpkin on her head. I looked to my right and saw a co-worker wearing a patriotic-looking Dr. Suess hat. There were a lot. It must have looked really stupid....all of these State employees standing near a fountain wearing a bunch of stupid hats. Your tax dollars at work. I think if this were any other job, I would have asked myself why my life had brought me to this point; but, they pay me so well that I'll stand there all day wearing a stupid hat if if that's what I need to do. I won't question it either. I think the sad turban may have had a place in today's event. The hats weren't a requirement. But the actual fire drill was. Which brings me to my point.

I feel that fire drills at work are silly. Maybe that's the point that was meant to be made by the hat guy. Fire drills were great in grade school - but the 2 minutes that it took for us to do that may have been perceived as a huge waste of time. Not that I would say that. I really didn't care. I did a lot of work today and was happy to get away from my desk.

I understand that employers want a head count of their employees - mainly for liability reasons. I'm sure they care about their employees' safety, but seriously. Fire drills at the office, no matter what kind of place it is, are laughable. Unless Dwight Schrute is facilitating it. Then it's epic. He probably wouldn't want us to wear hats. He'd probably take it seriously. I wish there was a Dwight Schrute in my office. Nobody takes these things seriously. Unless of course, they are in charge of it.

They did not teach us what to do in the event of smoke inhalation. Funny thing, is that when I went out into the hallway, I actually caught myself going the long way to the door on the far end of the building because it comes out right at the park where we were all supposed to meet. Nevermind that you are supposed to go to the nearest exit. Obviously I don't know what to do in the event of a fire. But what about smoke inhalation? Nobody talked to us about that. I think we should all be informed that it would be in our best interest to keep a bottle of water and a rag at our desk. This advice should be shared!

Did you know that fires in the office kill around 200 people each year? But 6,000 people on average each year die in actual home fires. So, uh...maybe people should be doing fire drills at home instead.

Why do they always tell us to walk slowly? If it was a real fire, we would be running. I think that they should implement that practice in fire drills as well. People need to know how to run, maneuver, and take out the people who are slow and weak.

They told us ahead of time that the fire drill would commence at 2:30pm. I feel that fire drills would be more effective if they came without warning. At 2:25, I was wearing my leopard hat and standing around talking. I don't think that a real fire would give us a warning. I think we need to practice being prepared.

I sit near a window. Why won't they let me open the window? If there was a fire out in the hallway, I would be breaking the window and exiting out onto the street.

In closing, I'm sharing another wallpaper with you. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I'm honestly kind of disturbed by it. It's the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Wearing fruit hats. Is it a fire drill? Maybe.

Sharing is caring.

I want to share this wallpaper with you, because I think it's wonderful! I got it off of this website.


And, here are 10 things.

1.) If you are going to get a tattoo of your name, it would be wise for you to spell it correctly. Confusing say, an A with a U could result in consequences that will last..well...a lifetime. And that's embarrassing. Especially if you still don't know about it. Then again, I'd never get a tattoo of my name to begin with. I know it doesn't matter. But I just can't take you seriously.

That wasn't about you. It was hypothetical. I...saw something on TV about it....

2.) Is someone still a vegetarian if they secretly eat deli meat like once every two weeks without telling anyone?

3.) Today I was told that I victimize people. I am not sure how to respond to that.

4.) I'm a human lie detector. No joke. It's true. I'm rarely wrong. Please don't lie. And please don't contradict yourself while we're talking. It makes you lose credibility and that just makes me look even better.

5.) Kashi makes the best frozen meals ever. You should try the Mayan Harvest Bake. It might not change your life, but you'll still really like it.

6.) I'm really proud of you for blasting your car stereo with your windows up while you're next to me at the traffic light. I do think you are really cool, especially since you are listening to Toby Keith and you are wearing a No Fear t-shirt from 1992. Really. I'd like your phone number so that we can hang out.

7.) I will not apologize for Fred's loud crow sounds that he makes during the day. He's happy. You'd be happier too if you just joined him like I do.

8.) I killed a spider the other day. By myself. I had to. My husband was gone. It was a huge daddy long leg. It was on the wall and I saw it as I was walking upstairs. It was watching me. It was the size of my palm. I got it with a tissue and flushed it down the toilet. I can't get the image of its legs out of my mind. Sick.

9.) I realize that I'm several years behind, but 1997 David Duchovney is so attractive in that business suit. I love you, Fox Mulder. Scully doesn't know what she is missing.

10.) #2 was referring to me. I'm not sure where I stand now. It's like someone saying that they only smoke when they drink, so they aren't a smoker. I'm so confused!

Jersey shame.

This is what's wrong.


Italian Americans are residents of the United States who can trace their ancestry to Italy or other regions where the Italian language is widely spoken. Today, they constitute around 6% of the US population. I'm proud to say that I can connect slightly with this culture, as I have Italian ancestry on my mom's side. Then again, if you ask my friends, I can probably connect with just about any nationality. Feliz Navidad.

I like to channel my Italian heritage. It shows in my cooking. I make good authentic Italian food. I like to think that I have extremely strong ties to my family as well (which I suppose is seen in a lot of cultures, but not so much in the average American family today). I also like to think that I also pull the southern Italian side in how I look. I can identify with the rest of my cultural background, mainly the Guam ancestry, but when I look at pictures of my family, I just don't see as much resemblance. My parents might beg to differ, but that's okay. They never agree with me on anything.

It ends there though, as I'm a mixed breed. But I can't help and get annoyed with how Italian Americans are portrayed today. I blame you, Snookie. You should adopt Garfield as a new nickname, because you are orange and you like lasagna. Seriously. Who thought up this show? And if that isn't bad enough, now there are more. Jersey Couture. Jerseylicious. I'm so irritated by all of it, but at the same time, I am fascinated. FASCINATED! How do they get their hair to look like that?!

Well, just ask Tracy.



Life in early Italian neighborhoods in the 1900s revolved around family, church, and locally owned businesses. But see, people don't know that. People think that being Italian American means living off of Route 22 in Green Brook, New Jersey, working at a hair salon in a strip mall next to a mattress store. Life apparently revolves around fake boobs, acrylic nails, smokey eye shadow, synthetic hair extensions, fake tans, huge earrings, and bad accents. And don't forget about GTL. If you don't know what that means, it's how you spend a day off. Gym, tan, and laundry.

Did you know that many Italians don't have dark hair and olive skin like me? Northern Italians have pale skin, blonde or red hair, and light eyes. It would make sense since that part of the country is so close to Austria and Switzerland. As you get further south toward the Mediterranean, the hair and skin gets darker. Not all Italians eat pasta and meatballs either. And chicken isn't usually paired with pasta. And 'peperoni' means bell pepper in Italy, not some sort of cured meat sausage.

Shame. Shame on you, cast of Jersey Shore. Shame on all of you, tanning bed mongers. Don Corleone would be disgusted.

I have to go get a spray tan now.