LOL

I can't commit to anything, least of all this blog. Like I said, I make no promises, but here's a post.

To start off my year:

• Last night was fun but seriously I am not drinking again for a long time. I am not 22 anymore. My body cannot handle it. It cannot recover. This morning I wanted to go to the ER and be hooked up to IV fluids but realizing how nobody would humor me, I resorted to eating an avocado and drinking gatorade. Worst morning ever. 
• My baby is 5. She is excelling in kindergarten, as good as a kid can excel in kindergarten I guess. She is learning to read and has adorable handwriting.
• We have financing for our bathroom project. Fingers crossed it all goes alright and someone will come and demolish everything soon.
• Also kind of want to finish our sun room this year.
• We have two guinea pigs in addition to the two cats. The pigs are homosexual and take turns dominating each other all day long and it's gross. One of my cats has asthma and the other has a thyroid condition.
• It's cold here and the holidays are over, so I need tips on how to enjoy the next three months of winter. I've been making it this far by wearing ugly holiday sweaters and plaid, but now I can't because Christmas is over. Someone help.
• I started a separate blog and it's secret. Hoping I can spend the next several months actually sticking to a commitment to lose weight and document the whole thing day by day. Too embarrassed to share it with anyone, even Husband, because you know if I fail I'll just be super embarrassed and feel like I let everyone down, including myself. Maybe as time goes on and it's going well, I'll share the link here.

I'm alive

There's no rhyme or reason to my posts. And that's fine. I was never one to stick to a routine even when I tried. I don't know what's new since last time.

My little girl is turning 4 years old in two weeks. Not sure how the hell that happened all of a sudden. She likes pink and purple and has an opinion and a favorite everything. And super heroes. She's in love with her dad and the idea that he drives a fire truck and saves people and animals. She wants me to take her to the Olive Garden for lunch on her birthday. And I will. Right after her shots. Poor kid. Then we will go shopping for nail polish and whatever else her teeny little heart desires. She's the love of my life. She's everything I dreamed of. And I thank God so much for how He has blessed me. He gave me a wonderful husband who I've been with for 10 years now. And he has made all my dreams come true. 

I couldn't want anything more.

Take note:

Vaca means COW. It does not mean vacation. Stupid. 

IF cavemen had the means to make brownies...

They would make these.

Now, I'm not completely sold on the whole "Paleo Diet" thing because I feel like the term "paleo" is stretching it. Because it's literally impossible to eat like cavemen since absolutely nothing exists today that is the same as it was thousands of years ago. Even real food, whole food, has changed so much that an apple today is not the same as it's ancestors. That being said, I AM on board with adopting an organic, dairy-free, grain-free diet, since my entire body changed after having a baby and now I'm allergic to everything. Thanks Sofia! But in all honesty, I'm happy to be getting healthier.

We still need treats sometimes. Why? Because, hormones. And do you know how hard it can be to find a good gluten-free recipe for your formerly favorite gluten-containing foods? It's fricken miserable. And while I do love the GF brownie mix from Bob's Red Mill, which is still my quick go-to in a pinch, it's not grain-free. And finding a good grain-free recipe has been difficult. There are many out there and they are disappointing.

I have your answer!! Maybe you won't like these as much as I do. But at any rate, they are MY answer. Because when you can't find a recipe you're looking for, you make your own.

I was tempted not to share it. But that's selfish and doing the world a disservice. Why deprive others of something delicious and healthy? This might change your life.

I hope you like it. And if you don't, I'm sorry. And if you do, you're welcome. And don't be turned off by the avocados and black beans. You seriously wouldn't even know they are in there. Because it's magical. I would call them "magic brownies," but then people would think I was some sort of drug addict.

Obviously you don't have to use all organic ingredients, but I did, because I'm paranoid and so many things make me sick:

2 large organic avocados
1 can organic black beans, rinsed and drained
1/3 cup organic coconut oil
12oz dairy-free/organic chocolate chips
1 tablespoon instant espresso powder (can omit if you want)
1/2 cup raw honey (melt it if it's crystallized)
1/4 cup raw cacao powder (or just regular unsweetened cocoa powder)
1/4 cup coconut flour
2 tablespoons organic gluten-free vanilla
1 teaspoon gluten-free baking soda
1 teaspoon gluten-free baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
5 organic eggs

Puree avocado in a food procesor until it's completely smooth (you are not making guacamole).  Rinse and drain a can of black beans. Add to the food processor and puree with avocado until no lumps remain.

In a double boiler, melt coconut oil, chocolate chips, and espresso powder until completely smooth.

In a separate mixing bowl, fold together the avocado/black bean puree with the melted chocolate until incorporated. Add remaining ingredients and beat with an electric mixture (I used my Kitchenaid stand mixer) until completely incorporated and smooth.

Grease a 9x13 baking pan with coconut oil and the add the brownie mix. Bake in preheated oven at 350ºF for 30 minutes and let cool. :)

Nostalgic Pizza

Remember those school lunch pizzas? The rectangle shape ones? I don't really but I didn't really eat hot lunch ever. When I was in high school I'd get Subway or Cousin's Subs a'la carte on Tuesdays and Thursdays... And eat junk food. Chocolate milk and chips. Healthy. Anyway, husband remembers these pizzas and he loved them and wants to have them again. So what did I do?

I recreated it.

Of all the things I could duplicate... Olive Garden's Chicken Marsala... Serendipity 2's Frozen Hot Chocolate... and he wants cafeteria food. Alright. As long as he eats it. 

To my surprise, it looked and smelled amazing. I made homemade pizza dough and the sauce and everything from scratch. I didn't eat any because I'm...on this diet... But he and Sofia loved it. I served it with corn. All that was missing was a carton of chocolate milk and a prison tray. Here's the recipe. Nothing special at all...pretty basic actually. 

Crust:

• 1 package yeast
• 1 teaspoon white sugar
• 1 cup warm water 
• 2 1/2 cups flour
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 teaspoon salt
• Shortening and cornmeal for dusting

Sauce:

• 1 pound ground beef
• 1 teaspoon dehydrated onion
• 1 teaspoon granulated garlic
• 1 12oz can tomato paste 
• 1/2 teaspoon ground pepper
• 1 1/4 cup water
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 teaspoon dried oregano
• 3/4 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 pinch marjoram
• 1 pinch thyme

Oh, you'll need like two standard size bags of shredded mozzarella cheese, too.

Now that you've assembled your arsenal, let us bring back the painful memories of eating alone in the school cafeteria.

Directions: 

Brown the beef and drain. Add onion and garlic and cook on medium/low for 5 minutes. Add tomato paste, water, salt, pepper, basil, oregano, marjoram, and thyme. Stir, cover, and let simmer on low while you prepare the dough. 

Preheat your oven to 450*F. 

In your mixer bowl, dissolve sugar and yeast in warm water. Let it sit until it gets creamy, around 10 minutes. 

Stir in flour, salt, and oil. Use the dough hook and mix until smooth and elastic. Let rest for 5 minutes or so while you prepare the pan. 

Grease your cookie sheet, including the sides. I used a standard jelly roll pan. Sprinkle the bottom with cornmeal. Set aside. 

Turn dough out onto lightly floured surface and flip over, shaping into a ball. If it's sticky, sprinkle flour on it. Place the dough ball in the middle of your pan and smash it and spread it around the pan including up the sides. Use your fingers to form the crust edges. 

Sprinkle one bag of mozzarella cheese on the crust. Cover with half the meat sauce. Sprinkle second bag of mozzarella cheese over the meat sauce. 

Bake at 450*F for around 15-20 minutes. 

Oh yeah, and the other half of the meat sauce? Store in the freezer to make pizza burgers later on in the week. I ended up with all this extra sauce so that's the solution. 

You're welcome. 

Stuff

Hi!

So...um.....wow, I just realized that it's Wednesday. Have I seriously not exercised since Friday? Funny how things just get away from you if you say, "Oh, I'll just skip today." Then all of a sudden it's like 5 days later.

Still lost 2.5 pounds since the last time I weighed myself a week ago though, which is pretty sweet. So I don't feel so bad. Keeping track of what I am eating and staying within a calorie limit is pretty much the only thing that saves me if I don't exercise. One thing I've noticed is that after the 3rd day of running, as difficult as it is, my feet stopped hurting. And now after like 4 days of not running, they hurt again. I don't get it.

I'm tired. Nothing else to say. Just making an effort to keep up with this like I promised myself I would.

Pounds lost:

• Last week: 2.4
• To date: 8.8

Commitment

I don't even know that anyone looks at my blog anymore because I never write in it! Seriously, it has been super sporadic because most of my time is spent doing things for other people, and then when I do have time to myself, I'm not thinking about this at all. But! I realize that's not the greatest thing, because I like writing and I like sharing my life with people. So, I am going to make a commitment to post a new blog entry once a week. I will aim for that, a least.

I know that without dedication or commitment to something, nothing will get accomplished. Which brings me to my next point.

I think I need something to focus on. Before baby arrived nearly two years ago, my focus was kind of all over the place, but mostly on cooking. Hence, the recipes. Sometimes there would be ranting and raving and whining because you need that. Then came baby, and most of what I talked about was her and all the fun that came along with being a new mom and not knowing what I was doing. Seriously - raising a child is like...a crash course. She will be turning two years old this month and I still have no idea what I am doing. I'm surprised, quite frankly, that she is still alive. She must have like 8 guardian angels.

Anyway, so I think for the next few months, my main focus is going to be on me....and shrinking myself. Not even kidding, I mean WTF? I've never been SKINNY but I wasn't always a fricken planet and I can't even use pregnancy as an excuse for how I've let myself get to where I am at now. What I can use is my love for cookies, ice cream, cake, and lack of self control. Oh, and the fact that exercise is not fun to me.

So um.....here's what I'm going to do. I am going to blog my weight loss efforts and my results. Way embarrassing but maybe if I just put it all out there and know that people are reading it and waiting to see what happens (or waiting for me to fail so they can laugh maliciously while sitting alone in a dark basement), I will actually accomplish something.

I'll even post pictures. But not yet. Because it's too embarrassing.

Earlier this week I decided I was going to do some sort of consistent exercise. I downloaded the Couch to 5k app for my iPhone. Yes, I spent the $2.99, but whatever. Or maybe it was $1.99. I don't remember. You might ask why. Because really, I hate running. I don't even know how. The only time I even consider running is if I'm being chased by a lion or a dinosaur. I realized that if I had to actually run for my life, I would probably die. So what better way than to learn how to run?

It's awful so far. Just awful! But I've managed to get through week 1! Three workouts a week and my fake trainer tells me what to do. First week, three workouts of 30 minutes each. I started on Sunday, so I ran Sunday, Tuesday, and today (Thursday). I read somewhere that 30 minutes a day a three times a week is what is recommended by most health professionals. Not sure if it's true, but doing something is better than doing nothing.

Another thing I started doing was tracking the things I stuff my face with. My Fitness Pal is a sweet app and it's totally free. You can customize it for you based on where you're at, where you need to be, and how many pounds you want to lose each week. It tells you how many calories you need to eat each day and takes into account your activity level as well. AND you can track your exercise/calories burned, which is super great. AND you can connect with your friends to keep you accountable. A handful of my friends can now assume I'm obsessed with English muffins since I eat them everyday.

Realistically, yes, I want to lose 100lbs. 100. And it has been, oh, roughly 2 weeks, and I'm down 6 pounds. Which isn't a lot, but now that means I only have to lose 94 pounds. Hooray!

And finally, I also purchased one of those heart rate monitors. You know, the strap that goes around your chest and under your boobs (you can't see it) and then transmits onto a bulky man-looking watch. I figured this would be the best way to keep track of my calories burned.

OH! And Husband bought me a food scale. So now I can be all obsessive and weigh my food. But really, you can't just assume you're guessing correctly. Until today I had no idea that a slice of turkey deli meat weighed 1.5 ounces and the actual serving size for 70 calories is 2 ounces. I've been piling on like 3-4 slices of turkey on a sandwich assuming that was correct. I'm sure it wasn't excess deli meat that made my ass big though. It was probably gelato and Nutella.

Anyway....so....I'm not going to be a skinny mini for my brother's wedding at the end of August. And that's cool. It's all about realistic goals. But I could probably be down another 10lbs, which is realistic and doable. So if you're interested, keep up with me and watch my progress. I will post pictures when I feel ready, and will even have the perpetual "progress" pictures and the "before and after" pictures.

Here are a few random things:

I got bored today with my free time. It's July 4th and I'm ALONE. My kid is with my inlaws and Husband is working a 24 hour shift. Rather than be a productive member of society, I took the opportunity to lay around and waste my day on the internet. I made a Facebook page called Mommy Needs a Sedative where I can post pictures and things that I think are funny and mildly offensive without offending everyone on my Facebook friends list...because I have people like my parents, my extended family, and the pastor of my church who might not appreciate these things showing up in their news feed. But if YOU'RE wanting a daily dose of humor, especially surrounding stuff with parenting, please "like" my page.

Mommy Needs a Sedative