email memoirs - first and probably last

This is slightly blurry because I had the camera on the wrong setting, but still makes for a pretty desktop background. My boss likes it. That made me happy.


Since I've obtained permanent status in the office, now I have to move to a different unit. With a new supervisor. The State does things weird, and there's so much red tape, and this other unit is the one that had the vacancy in it, so off I go. I'm a bit sad. I love my supervisor and I love the people in my unit. BUT, I am sure this other unit will be just as nice. Probably just different, and I'll have to get to know people, but it will be okay. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with it. It's not like I'm going very far. Just across the office to the other side. The other side. I think it will be okay. Tomorrow is the big day of moving. Packing up my stuff and rolling it to the other side. And since my favorite coworker and I will not physically see each other unless we physically walk to the other side of the building, all we have is e-mail.

I love my e-mails between my coworker and myself. However, today, we attended a meeting with our division administrator and a couple of other important people from State, including the internal security guy. Among other things discussed, e-mail and internet usage was a topic, and my coworker and I felt as though the spotlight was directly on us. Chances are a lot of other people felt that way too, but as a precaution, we've decided to try and cut back on our e-mailing back and forth. Not that we ever talk about anything bad, but we were reminded that everything of ours is technically public record and we have no privacy as we work for the government. Which means, that they (whoever 'they' are) can pull our data and look at it, and...well, we don't want to look bad. So we are going to just put ourselves in check for a while. But, this was done prior to that meeting, so for good measure, I'll share it. It's wonderful. And in a way, kind of like a last hurrah.

If we're cutting back on e-mails, what do we have? Memories. Only memories.

I am sad.


From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: You don't have to say yes...

But, my sister-in-law, called me yesterday and offered to do a baby shower for me. She's the one who married my brother. That's super awesome of her to do that for me/us. She asked if I had anyone in the area that would be able to help a little and I thought of you. You don't have to say yes just because you're my BFF :P You can say no. She is a great planner, unlike any person I've seen before. Plus I can be pretty dang honest with her and that's hard to come by. So with her mad planning skills I don't think she'll need a ton of help, but it can be a lot of work for one person. She said she planned her friend's baby shower recently (the bitchy maid of honor) and she planned it with a girl she didn't know and it went well.

I'm going to get in touch with my other friends to see how many people they're willing to host. Because I need to figure out who to invite to which shower. I'm also going to start making a guest list.

So anyways, you can choose to be a hostess or a guest. :P

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

I'd be happy to help her. I can make cupcakes or something and help her decorate at least.

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

OK, cool, thanks :) I'll let her know. I want to help out too in some way.

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

I really like the baking part of it. I love making cupcakes. It's so much fun. Then people eat them and compliment me on how great they are.

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

Haha, OK. I'll let her know you have dessert covered and are willing to tape pink and blue streamers to the wall.

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

Sweet. Yes. That is ALL I am willing to do. Nothing more, nothing less. Streamers only. I won't blow up balloons or tape up a "baby" sign.

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

I will let her know you will only contribute by showing up a half hour before the event with cupcakes and streamers and you'll ask to use her scotch tape.

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

Yes, tell her that. Also tell her I do not plan on staying after I tape up the streamers and put the cupcakes on a paper plate on the table.

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

HA!! So I'll tell her not to expect much. Got it :P

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

They will also be Hostess Cupcakes. I will take the time to unwrap them from the package though. Do you also want Twinkies? I can cut them in half.

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: You don't have to say yes...

Die in a fire.

Oh well. It is what it is. I suppose now that we will be separated we will both probably get more work done. We were productive before, but imagine how much more productive we will be now. I hope I enjoy my new unit. I hope they are as fun as my current unit. If not...well, then I guess I will just have to get used to the change. Change can be good sometimes, I suppose. Know what? I'm excited. :)

Speaking of change, I made a grilled cheese sandwich with gluten-free bread. It's alright. Nothing that I'd go out of my way to do again though. But I'm really full. Weird.

Oh, and on another note, I came home to find that my landlord granted my request (or rather, he just wanted me to stop calling him) and installed brand new toilets in both of our bathrooms. I feel like my life just keeps improving every day. Now I can get to poo in a toilet that nobody else has poo'd in. My life is wonderful.

Lists

Before I go on, I want to share with you another sweet wallpaper.


You're welcome.

So, we all make lists. Chores. Groceries. Errands. Pros & cons. There, see? That was like, a list of list examples. Amazing.

Then we have more serious lists. Like, goals or accomplishments. Wants/needs, benefits/risks. You get it.

After I left home, I dabbled with college, changed majors a couple of times, dated a few douche bags, got burned, quit school....I had an endless lack of direction. It was pretty sweet. Then I moved to Las Vegas. I don't know what I thought I'd find. I wasn't thinking about money, although I had none. I just needed something. So I dealt drugs. Really, I did. I worked at a pharmacy. It was totally legal. Then I met a nice guy who had some direction. He steered me. That was nice of him. I owe him big time. That's probably I married him.

In any case, once I realized that I had nothing to offer anyone (especially not a great guy like him), I figured I had better get things straightened out. I mean, it was about so much more than him. It was about where I saw myself in 10 years and what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted him there for sure, but everything else had to fall into place as well.

On a sidenote, I liked him SO much, do you know what I did? I thought that if I had something of his, he would definitely want it back at some point, so he'd have a reason to call me. I borrowed his favorite DVD. Then I conveniently kept "forgetting" to give it back to him. In my mind, he always had a reason to call me because of that. That is, if he wanted his DVD back. A year later, I came clean and told him what my plan had been. He responded by saying, "If I didn't like you, I would have just gone and bought another DVD." Thanks. Thanks a lot. You know what, I don't even LIKE The Big Lebowski. How about that?!

So after I had given his movie back, I thought about things some more. And I made a list. I decided to write things down in the order that I thought of them, but not necessarily in the order they had to be accomplished. Because that's just setting me up for failure. For example, if it took me forever to get one thing done, I'd never get to the next thing, and who knows where I'd be. So here it is, in no particular order, with the things crossed off that I have accomplished thus far.

Pay off credit cards
Marry nice guy
Finish college
Get skinny
Obtain career
Buy house
Have baby

I'm excited to say that I was able to cross yet another thing off of that list as of this past Monday. That thing I was referring to in the previous blog about work - they finally announced it so now I can talk about it publicly. Remember when I was talking about my job awhile back and how it had the possibility of ending? Or how about when I started talking to my job as if it were a person (hint: #10)? Well, all that longing has now been brought to an end, as it was announced Tuesday that I was hired on permanently. HOORAY! Do you know what this means? This means the job is permanent and they can never get rid of me. I can work there until I retire and have like...a pension, or something. It's a government job. There's a union involved. They can't get rid of me unless I do something heinous and illegal.

All I know, is that it takes a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. I can check another thing off of my list and move forward. I am so happy. I love my job, and I never want to leave, and now I don't have to!!! It's about fricken time. So here is my new list, with another goal crossed off. Hooray! Hoo-ray.

Pay off credit cards
Marry nice guy
Finish college
Obtain career
Get skinny
Buy house
Have baby

Onto another topic. Speaking of work though - I have become pretty good friends with a coworker of mine. We are both very productive at work, but we take time here and there to talk through email when we don't have time to socialize like normal people. Sometimes these e-mail threads can last half a day and they're hilarious. I may occasionally blog "email memoirs" because some of them are just so worth sharing. This starts out referencing a big white dog that we see when we leave the office on breaks to go for a walk in the residential neighborhood nearby. Actually, it is this dog. Do you or someone you know own this dog? I want to know this dog's name. I want to know if it wears clothing and if it owns a diamond encrusted collar and a Coach purse.


Case in point:

From: Me
To: Co-Worker
Subject: RE: case

I went for a walk. White Dog was MIA. I miss White Dog. And also The Plant. Where is it?!

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: case

[Other co-worker] has The Plant. She keeps forgetting to bring it in.

I may or may not be going to a family friend's Pampered Chef party next Tuesday evening. I don't know if you'd be interested???

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: case

I may be interested as I enjoy Pampered Chef!

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: case

OK, I'll let you know as it gets closer. I think it starts at 6 or 6:30. Don't know how that'll work with your gym. I love it and want to go but it's like shopping when you're broke...only you're shopping for things you really love. It's not like shopping for the perfect jeans. Which is a hate filled experience which always results in self loathing.

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: case

I usually go on Tuesdays around 4pm. So that would work. I suppose it will depend on our finances as well. I hate shopping for jeans. My goal is to one day love shopping for jeans. I want to be that girl that fits into anything.

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: case

Yeah, our finances are pretty iffy too. Normally I stay away from these parties. Maybe I could pick up a Christmas gift for someone else and that would make me feel better. They'll probably have gluten filled food though :(

Jeans are the bane of my existence from like age 12 when I grew hips. My hips must not be proportionate to my height because it's hard to find jeans that aren't too long but still fit my hips and waist. I too want to be the girl that everything fits, but I don't think that's possible. I bet like 95% of the population of women have a hard time with finding clothes that fit well. The other 5% is divided between model twigs and rich people who have their clothing custom made.

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: case

Oh crap, that's right. Lame. Why is gluten in everything. :(

I agree with you about the sizes. I don't think I will ever be that girl either. It is much easier to find cute clothes though when you are a smaller size. So I know that dropping some sizes will make my life a little better. I will enjoy jean shopping again, at least for a while. :)

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: case

Haha, yeah, depends on how soon you get pregnant.

I'm sorry about your gluten allergy. Maybe it'll be something that you can eat very small amounts of certain things??? I hope.

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: case

I hope. I'm just super paranoid about my throat closing up. I have to go to the store tonight and pick up some veggies that I can bring to work and eat. I have hummus and I can have that with carrots and tomatoes. I didn't bring anything today. I have eaten string cheese today and that is all. I'm hungry and I have brown rice and sugar snap peas to look forward to for dinner. Joy is mine to be had. Yay. :[

I bought gluten free ice cream though and it's darn good.

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: case

Yeah, you've got to find filling things to eat now. Go on a mission for gluten free. That'll help you feel better about it. Yeah, don't be afraid to go to the hospital if your throat starts closing up!! Maybe you should go to an allergist so they can test you and then get you an epi pen to carry around. Or re-new your one for bees. It's a terrible feeling and you don't want to have to try to rush yourself to the hospital by waiting too long. I don't want to watch you pass out and then jam an empty pen tube into your throat to get you some air. Not cool.

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: case

Yeah, I don't want that to happen either. Plus, if I am here at work and I have a reaction, who knows what it will look like. I will start gurgling, my face will turn blue, and my lips will puff up....I'll be staggering around moaning trying to get someone to help me. And since [male coworker] has informed me that he'd not hesitate to shoot me in the head in the event that I am bitten by a zombie (to supposedly sustain survival for others), I really don't want to risk being murdered under false pretenses of being a zombie by a trigger-happy coworker.

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: case

I'm sorry, I'm just imagining that happening. I'd rush up but it would be too late and I'd make him feel guilty forever for taking such drastic measures. If I get there in time I'll ask him to shoot a hole through your throat.

From: Me
To: Co-worker
Subject: RE: case

Can you imagine if that happened?! He has my hands tied behind my back and I'm on my knees and he's about to pop a cap into my brain stem at the back of my skull execution style and I'm still moaning and drooling...and [female co-worker] is eating a piece of cheese, watching it unfold....and [Office Person] is making copies.....and you are running at me and him screaming, "No! It's just a gluten allergy! GLUTEN!!!!!"

From: Co-worker
To: Me
Subject: RE: case

I also think it's important for people to remember there are times to blend in with the zombies, like in Shaun of the Dead. If you have no weapons, just start blending in by lurching and stumbling around.

You get the point. There have been better ones and there will continue to be. I guess you have to be there. In any case, I think they are worth sharing. You don't have to read them. :)

Fierce.

Since we've covered our living room floor with a huge area rug, my cat has taken it upon herself to go under it. I don't know how and I don't know why. I just know that it's funny.

I did an hour on the elliptical tonight while watching the latest episode of Jerseylicious. If you haven't seen it yet, just know that Olivia had a catastrophic meltdown at the plastic surgeon's office and opted NOT to get a boob job.

I'm a college educated woman with a government job and I make legal decisions that affect people. But I wear purple and white striped underwear that says "SURE THING" in silver letters on the butt and I know more about what's going on with the lives of the employees at the Gatsby Salon than I do about what is going on in politics. For example, I can't recall who was recently elected as our new governor. This realization makes me feel extremely ashamed and I should probably start reading the newspaper or something. I watch the news sometimes, but I don't pay attention. The only thing I can remember recently is that our new weather guy looks like MacGruber. He really REALLY does. I've talked about this before, I know, but I can't seem to get past it.

Oh, remember when I started to grow a pineapple? Look at it now. Amazing. This is the very same one that I planted back in May! And to think that this pineapple came from Sam's Club and cost me like $2.00. I don't even remember what we did with the actual pineapple. It wasn't the one I made cake out of. I think my husband ate it all. But we kept the crown, and now we have a bona fide house plant that will someday give us baby pineapples. I'm so excited!!!!


Something amazing happened to me at work today but I can't talk about it yet. I know this intrigues you and affects YOUR life in a major way. Oh...it doesn't? Hmm. Well I know that the lives of the employees at the Gatsby Salon do!! Oh...that doesn't either? Well, we can't be friends then.

I've decided to embark on a research project that I have never done before. I've been thinking a lot about zombies lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I started watching The Walking Dead on AMC. Or maybe because I seem to be surrounded by people who talk about them a lot. Or maybe I just really need a life. Either way, I'm afraid of zombies, so I have decided to learn more about them in an effort to understand and accept them.

Kind of like I attempted to do with mullets when I was in college. If you study a subject in its natural habitat long enough, you learn to understand it and respect it. Kind of like bears or cheetahs. In college, I spent a great amount of time photographing mullets in their natural environment. I learned that many of them DO like Nascar and most prefer Budweiser to Miller products. Many of them are truck drivers. And most of them like country music or rock music. I was not able to find a mullet that enjoyed R&B or jazz. Not all of them smoke, but a lot of them chew tobacco. None of them have had braces. Sadly, I didn't learn things that I didn't already know. Much of these ring true, and can be found in doing your own research, but I'll include some information in an effort to broaden your horizons just in case.

The Shoplifting Decoy (the kid mullet):

Mulletologists originally thought this mullet to be a form of punishment for children who disobeyed their parents. Further study, though, has revealed that it is actually cruel abuse of a child for parental gain. Because of the heinous appearance of this mullet, parents are able to divert the attention of store owners when they are out and about, giving them enough time to steal a few cartons of Virginia Slims, some Beast Ice, and a Nascar magazine.


That Guy (as mutated from the 1980s):

This gets its name from the reaction when you see it..."Who is that guy?" This is usually accompanied by a Wyatt Earp mustache.


The Canadian Passport:

This breed is not indigenous to the United States. It has migrated down from Canada with the invasion of the NHL.


The Femullet:

This is a male version of a mullet on a woman. These women are usually loud and obnoxious and can be found at the local tavern at 2:00 in the afternoon. Usually because they work third shift at a factory, or they recently became unemployed. These women deserve respect. They are good at pool and can probably beat up a man twice their size.


The Businessman's Safety Cut:

This guy thinks he can go for a classic all-American cut on top and still get away with having long hair in the back. Sadly, he is mistaken. This guy wears denim shirts and Reebok hightops. He also may have a molestache.


The Rastlin' Mullet:

These mullets are some of the most influential in the world. Broadcast into homes almost every night of the week, this guy has gained popularity across the world. This is responsible for many mullets on children between the ages of 5 and 13 and has a profound influence on femullets in their mid-40s.


Viva Las Vegas:

This is a product of the entertainment industry in Las Vegas, Nevada. I lived there for a short period of time and encountered many of these in every area - the grocery store, the tanning salon, the gas station, and many a casino. Once known for gambling and prostitution, Las Vegas is fast becoming the City of Mullets. Many Vegas magicians feel that having such mullet is necessary for success.


There you have it. I am sure there are many more, as you can probably find out on your own. I found these pictures on the internet and may or may not have plagiarized some of this information from other websites. In any case, do with this information what you will. I know at least one person reading this has gained some knowledge, and knowledge is power. If I can help just one person, then I have fulfilled my purpose.

Now I'm off to watch the premier of Conan, which I've missed half of already. Anticipate hearing about my zombie research in the near future. Because these things matter.

Blogging a total body cleanse.

HAHA! You might laugh at me and you might be grossed out. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

In embarking on Operation Bikini, so much more had to change aside from the whole exercise thing. I decided I should eat better. I made some modifications and my diet isn't anywhere near perfect yet, but I've noticed some differences, and they aren't good.

One of the things I decided to cut out was bread. Or at least, cut back on it. Cutting out carbs is great for the short-term, but it's a crash diet and you can't stick to eating deviled eggs and meat and hope to live a normal life until you die. I thought I'd cut out as many of the refined carbohydrates as I could deal with for a while. This includes most breads and baked things. I bought sprouted grain bread because it's essentially a whole food and I've heard that it's good to eat if you insist on eating bread. I haven't been eating much pasta or baked things lately since. If I'm in a hurry in the morning, I'll stop by Starbucks and pick up some oatmeal and a soy latte. For lunch, if I had time to pack it, I'll have a turkey sandwich on sprouted grain bread. And for dinner, I've been eating brown rice, some veggies, and maybe some sort of protein like fish or turkey. I did this for about a week, which was a huge deal for me. I felt fine. Honestly, I didn't feel any different. Then the other day after the gym in the evening, I stopped by Smoothie Girl and ordered a smoothie so that I wouldn't have to make dinner for myself. My husband and I are on totally opposite schedules on a regular basis so he just fends for himself when it comes to dinner. I cook on weekends but really, during the week, he's on his own. So I get this smoothie. I watch the girl make it. Ice. Peanut butter. Chocolate. A whole banana. Protein powder. Blend. Pour. Straw. Have a nice day.

I'm drinking this smoothie. It's good. I'm driving home as I'm drinking it. All of a sudden my throat starts to itch. That's weird. I cough. A lot. And it continues to itch. I get home. I finish the smoothie and throw the cup away. I am still coughing and dealing with this itchy throat. I drink some ice water. It goes away. All is well.

Fast forward 5 hours after I have been sleeping. I wake up with horrible stomach pain and nausea. Do I have the flu? No.. am I going to throw up? Probably. But I can't. I have this irrational fear of vomiting, which I will discuss on another day. What is going on? This has happened before - 2 years ago when I was at a party at a friend's house. I ate some veggie dip with some broccoli. I had an allergic reaction to the dip. Same symptoms. Food allergy. Oh no! I take some Benadryl. 10 minutes later, I am fine, and out like a light. The next day I wake up and think about this. What did I eat? What am I allergic to? It must have been something in the smoothie. The only thing I can think of is the protein powder. It was whey protein, I'm pretty sure. But I've been eating sprouted wheat bread and that doesn't do this to me. So is it the wheat? Or maybe it's the gluten. My mom has a gluten allergy. She didn't start to notice it more until she changed her diet, cut things out, and then tried reintroducing things. Gluten may be my kryptonite. But maybe not. This may have been a freak incident. I give it no more thought.

A few days later, as in yesterday, I make homemade bagels with my mom. We use high gluten flour because that is what you must to do to make the greatest bagels of all time. They turn out beautifully. My mom can't eat them because of the gluten. My dad has one and he loves it. So I had one after I went home. 10 minutes after eating the bagel, I have the same reaction as I did with the smoothie.

Gluten. I may have a gluten allergy. Why didn't I notice this prior to changing my diet? Well, it's interesting how your body responds to change. When you start doing the right things, it starts to function normally, and it knows what it wants and what it doesn't want. Apparently my body doesn't want gluten. At least, I know I don't. I do not ever want to have this kind of reaction again. It's really scary.

So, in an effort to get all the traces of bad stuff out of me, my mom suggests I do a 14-day cleansing program. I say, "No. I do not want to be on the toilet for two weeks. I have a job. I have a husband. I have a cat. I have a life." She says, "No, this won't do that to you. You take a scheduled regimen of different herbs three times a day and your body balances itself out and cleans itself out over the course of two weeks." She gives me this package. It is organic and gluten free. Hooray! I read the instructions and it seems relatively un-intimidating. I figure, it can't hurt to try it.


There are three bottles of capsules in this box. Bottle #1, you are supposed to take two capsules in the morning on an empty stomach 30 minutes before you eat breakfast. Then, you are supposed to take 3 capsules from bottle #2 30 minutes after you eat. Then, you are supposed to take 3 capsules from bottle #2 and 2 capsules from bottle 3 in the evening.


That's a lot to remember. But I think I can do it for 14 days. I don't know. I'm kind of afraid. Is this is going to make me poop uncontrollably? It says it won't. We'll see what happens. I think this will be good though, because I'll do this and continue to not eat anything with gluten in it, and it will probably cause me to drop a ton of weight, which will definitely help with Operation Bikini. I'm kind of excited. But then I looked at what someone can eat on a gluten-free diet vs. what someone can't eat, and my soul cried.

I can't have anything with wheat, rye, or barley. I pretty much can't have any kind of baked good unless it's made with gluten-free flour. I can eat fresh fish, vegetables, fruit, and meat. But I don't really like meat, so I won't be eating it. And since there are a million things out there that have gluten added to them, I have to read labels and make sure it says gluten-free or I can't eat it. Did you know that soy sauce has gluten in it? Yeah, me neither.

This is going to be a pain in my butt. I'm highly considering to going on a whole-food-only diet, which means basically no processed food whatsoever. Totally lame. But for the time being, I'll just play it safe. If I know something is for sure gluten free (whether it says it on the package or whether I just know for sure), then I'll eat it. If not, then I won't eat it. Really stupid. I'm mad.

For example, this salad dressing that I love? Can I have it...?


Yes, I can. Victory!!


In any case, I'll let you know how the cleansing thing goes. I just started it so obviously I have nothing to say, other than the fact that the capsules smell like Italian seasoning.

recurrent dream #1

What's this? Two blogs in one day?! I have a lot of free time this evening. It's good.

Really though, I'm perplexed. It's driving me crazy. I constantly have this same, recurrent dream. Probably at least twice a week. Maybe only once a week. Often enough though. I hate it. It usually has different details and different people in it, but it's always the same thing. It goes like this.

Scenario A:

It's my last semester of college. I'm getting ready to graduate. I find out that I apparently registered for a class (whether it was the beginning of the semester or a year prior) and forgot I was enrolled in it; therefore, I never attended. Because of that, I'm failing, and I will not graduate because I need this class to graduate.

Scenario B:

I realize that it's a couple weeks until graduation and for some reason, I have missed a whole bunch of days in a particular math class and have fallen behind. Thus, I cannot catch up, and I will not graduate.

Scenario C:

I am all of a sudden transported back to my senior year of college. Apparently I have been there and it's mid-semester, but I am coming back after taking 2 weeks off. I do not know where any of my classes are, nor do I know what I am registered for. I am sitting on a bench in the middle of campus, and I have a panic attack because I am bad at math and all of my classes are math classes. As if it wasn't bad enough.

Scenario D:

It's right before graduation. I haven't missed any school. But I am notified that I have failed all of my classes, and must do it all over again.

Last night was scenario D, but it had an encore attached. The reason I flunked was because Jessie let me copy all of her work, and she purposely gave me all the wrong answers. Furthermore, because I have flunked a specific class, I don't get to go on some trip to Argentina with the rest of my class, but she gets to go. I don't get it because we had the same answers on everything. It's not right.

I don't know why I keep dreaming about school. I graduated from college in 2008. I got decent grades. It's over. Done. I have a bachelors degree from a good State university and that part of my life is done. Why does this keep coming back to haunt me? Honestly, I enjoyed college. I wouldn't mind being in school again if I had to, but that's not the point. Clearly there's something I am not addressing and I am not sure what it is, but it's ruining my sleep.

Pretty soon I'm sure I'll dream something with all four scenarios at once and I will be naked. Not looking forward to that.

bagels and zombies

With my husband gone for the weekend, I thought I'd go spend some time with my mom. Well, my dad too, but he stays out of the kitchen. Mom and I decided to make bagels. Why? Well, why not? Everyone likes bagels.

Bagels are similar to those big soft pretzels regarding that shiny crusty outside. It's not egg wash that makes it that way. You have to boil them in water with malt & sugar which causes a chemical reaction to take place prior to baking them. The result is a hard shiny chewy outside and a soft chewy inside. Yum.


It's super easy to make bagels, it just takes a while. So if you are going to make bagels, set aside an afternoon and have something to do during the waiting periods in between. Have snacks and a movie. I chose Nutella & gluten-free graham crackers along with the pilot episode of The Walking Dead.

Who doesn't like Zombies? Probably the same kind of person who doesn't like bagels. Unacceptable!


Bagels!

Dough:
1 tablespoon instant yeast
4 cups high gluten flour
2 teaspoons salt
1 tablespoon non-diastatic malt powder (or brown sugar)
1-1/2 cups lukewarm water

water bath:
2 quarts water
1 tablespoon sugar
2 tablespoons non-diastatic malt powder (or brown sugar)

Mix the dough ingredients to make a very stiff dough. Place the dough in a lightly greased bowl, cover, and let rise until noticeably puffy, but not necessarily doubled in bulk, about 1-1/2 hours.


Divide the risen dough into eight balls. Cover with plastic wrap and let rest for 30 minutes.

Heat the water, sugar, and malt powder to a gentle boil in a large, wide diameter pan. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Poke a two-inch wide hole through each ball; the entire bagel will be about 4 inches across. Place bagels on a lightly greased or parchment lined baking sheet and let rest for 10 minutes.

Hey look, it's me with some turbinado sugar. I love this stuff. It smells like...maple syrup.

Hey look, it's my mom.


Gently lower bagels, 3 or 4 at a time, into the simmering water. Simmer for two minutes, gently flip them over, and simmer for one more minute. Place them on the baking sheet. Sprinkle with seeds (we used organic toasted sesame seeds) if desired. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Remove from oven and cool completely on rack.


Makes 8 bagels
110 calories
no fat
no sodium
21g carbohydrates
4g protein

it's Friday, I'm in love.

I like Fridays sometimes. Sometimes I don't like them. I like them when they go by quickly. I do not like it when they drag on. I'm sure that I am the only person in the world who feels this way. I just want to start my weekend.

I was able to leave work a couple of hours early today and I was happy about that. I think that my Friday was already going by pretty fast, but it was sunny and nice out and I wanted to spend some time with my husband before he left for the weekend for his Air Force stuff.

We went and bought toilet paper. Then we went out for Mexican food. We're a really exciting couple and we live our lives on the edge. I left work 2 hours early and used vacation time to buy toilet paper and eat a quesadilla.

I have this really big Asian rug that my mom purchased when we were living overseas. In Asia. What a coincidence. She and my dad don't have room for it anymore. I inherited it. With the help of my husband, I was able to put it in our living room today. It's really huge and takes up the entire space. Let me tell you - it's really not fun trying to get a huge area rug in place, centered and not crooked, when the room is already filled with large furniture. It was ridiculous. But my husband is amazing and can lift heavy objects. He can also leap tall buildings with a single bound and is faster than a speeding bullet. His kryptonite is the sun. No, he's not a vampire. He's Norwegian.

Well, here are some random things.

I just turned on the TV to watch 50 First Dates on the Oxygen channel. The very first thing I heard was a commercial with some old man saying, "Stop using dirty catheters." Okay. I will stop.

The new weather guy at one of the local TV stations looks like MacGruber.


You don't see it? I do.


Our governor has proclaimed November 8-12, 2010 as Winter Weather Awareness Week. What will this entail? I'm quite aware that winter is coming. I have to turn on my heated seats in the morning while I'm driving to work. I have to wear mittens and long sleeves. I have to wear boots. Yes. I HAVE TO WEAR BOOTS even if it isn't snowing. My feet are cold.

OH! Heated seats are amazing though. Not only do they warm you up, but when your butt is sore from exercising, it's like a therapeutic heat...thing. I sat in my SUV for a lot longer than I needed to the other day - partly because the heated seats felt great on my butt, and partly because I was in too much pain to move.

Back to Winter Weather Awareness Week though - apparently, some NASCAR driver is teaming up with our state's emergency management department to promote winter weather awareness. This will include public service announcements that will be on TV and radio stations. "Winter storms are deceptive killers because most deaths are indirectly related to the storm. Examples of such deaths include traffic accidents on icy or snow covered roads or prolonged exposure to the cold..."

Are you kidding me? How much money is the state funding for this? Why don't they just have blue sky awareness week? Or "Cow Poop Smells Awareness Week?" Winter storms are deceptive killers, huh? Well so are carbohydrates and cheeseburgers, and that's not a seasonal thing.

Pay me. I will take care of Winter Weather Awareness Week all on my own. I'll talk about how you should wear hats and scarves and mittens, and how you should wear boots with the fur. I will also advise that you keep a flashlight, some s'more Pop Tarts, and a cellphone charger in your glove box, and how you should drive slower and stop tailing me. Gloves with removable fingers are great because you can still text people and use your iPod touch. And finally, watch the weather forecast the night before. If MacGruber says it's going to snow tomorrow, get up an extra half-hour early so you can have time to brush off your car and thaw things out and not be late for work. Oh, and having sex helps keep you warm. But always practice it safely. Do not do it in a moving vehicle, especially if one of you is driving.