BLAHH!!!

I wonder how other people deal with grief. I seem to get through the stages pretty quickly.. What are they...? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. And then I add another stage at the end called Loathing and Bitterness. Let's review.

Denial. A normal response would be, "This can't be happening to me..." My response: *silence and internal death* paired with waking up in the middle of the night convinced it didn't really happen and that it was all a bad dream.

Anger: A normal response would be, "Why?!" My response: "I ate too many Oreos. That's why. Because I didn't drink enough water. A gallon of water a day and it wasn't enough. It's because I'm fat, isn't it? It's because we had sex. It's because I didn't take vitamins several months leading up to the pregnancy."

Bargaining: Apparently normal people try to bargain with God. I think that's insulting to God. I don't recall bargaining with God. I don't know if I did any bargaining, to be honest. To me, that just seems desperate and sad and should really go along with the denial stage.

Acceptance: I don't know how normal people go about this stage. I've accepted it though, but am trying to find ways to not dwell on it so much. I also think about it a lot and look back (it seems like forever ago even though it was only a week) and see that even though it was awful, there are worse things in life...like losing a child you've had the opportunity to raise. When I miscarried, I thought that nothing could feel worse. But thinking about it now after some time to calm down a bit, I realize that losing a child after you've bonded and raised it would be much MUCH worse.

Now I'm just bitter. I get mad when I see pregnant women. I get even more mad when I see that they are happy. Because I'm jealous and I don't think it's fair. I want my own baby. I'm happy for my friends, don't get me wrong. I love my friends who are having babies and I'm excited to share in their joy. But I'm jealous and it's horrible! I've told them about this to their face. They are aware of it. I assured them I would not steal their babies. I know that I will get past this and feel differently eventually.

My husband is mad at me. I ate all of the Phish Food ice cream. He also turned me down for sex because he wanted to eat a sandwich instead. FML.