Third Life Crisis

It has been one month and three days since I lost the baby. But who's counting anyway?

In all seriousness though, I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've noticed that things tend to happen when you don't expect them to. So does this mean if you lower your expectations then maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised? Maybe, but maybe that's not the right way to explain it. I think if I can get to a point where I stop dwelling on it and counting the days and questioning everything, then I can just be happy and I'll get pregnant again. I don't even know if this is necessarily about having a baby anymore. Obviously that's part of it, but I'm starting to think that another part of it is that I'm trying to meet some imaginary expectation that I've assumed is there.

To be perfectly honest, it's not that I didn't want kids - but it wasn't a priority. Then I got pregnant, and everything changed. I think that I was just so excited about this new and exciting change in our life that I jumped right into it head first and never looked back. I think that a motherly instinct exists in a woman too. The minute you find out you are pregnant, [most] women change everything about the way they approach their lives. I was no different. Then when that was all ripped away, I was confused and not sure what to do with myself.

After doing yet some more thinking, I looked around at my surroundings and my friends, and realized something else. Firstly, my parents' generation did everything earlier. By the time my parents were my age, they had already had their second child and had purchased a home. How can I possibly compete with that? My husband and I are renting, he's in school, I'm in my first 'real' job out of college, and there's no guarantee that this will last forever since I'm not even considered a permanent employee. After doing a quick mental inventory, I realized that my two best friends are expecting babies (one of them being on her second child already), my favorite coworker is expecting a baby when I was set to have my baby, and all of my other friends have kids.

I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I think I need to stop worrying about it. Just because these people have kids doesn't mean that their lives are perfect. I'm sure that they can think of one or two things they aren't satisfied with. Having a baby would be wonderful. But having a baby is not going to dictate whether I'm happy. I can be happy without having a baby.

I would like nothing more than for my body to get back to normal. It's weird that I still haven't had a period yet. Then again, it's only late by a few days. Not even a week. My friend told me to take a pregnancy test last week. I didn't want to because I only had one left and I didn't want to waste it. She said that if I took the test and it was negative, she'd buy me some more. It was negative, and she bought me some more. I came home to find that this was left on my door step earlier in the day:



Not just one pregnancy test, but THREE, along with some awesome Michael Graves prep bowls. She knows I love baking and cooking, and now I can be like the people on the Food Network and have all of my ingredients measured out in their own individual bowls!! I'm beyond excited, and I had to take several pictures of my prizes. Yay for good friends!! :) I am wondering if my husband knew what they were for. He said he thought they were baby dishes. I think he secretly thought I was going to pee in them. I asked him to buy some paper dixie cups for me to pee in for when I took a pregnancy test because it's much easier to pee in a cup than to pee directly on a stick. But no - these bowls will not be used for that. They will be used to measure out spices and chopped vegetables. And cheese. Goodness. I'm so happy about them, here are some more pictures so you can get the full effect of their greatness. Can I just mention one thing though...? On the pregnancy test - click on that first picture. Notice how it says "Free inside! Fertility test for women!" As opposed to a fertility test for a....man? Really?



AMAZING BOWLS!!!!!!!



That's not a real apple.