Hats don't look good on me. But I don't think that this particular hat would look good on anyone. Look at the model. She is sad for a lot of reasons. She is tired of eating carrots. She wants a sandwich. She wants ice cream. She wants to be able to have her period. And now she is being forced to wear this hat. That expression she has is the same one I used to have when I worked for an insurance company processing claims 40+ hours per week on the second shift. I think this hat would have pushed me over the edge.
I sat in a cubicle which was half the size of the one I have now, and on top of that, I shared it with someone, so I could only decorate half of it. And I wasn't allowed to leave my desk. I had to process insurance claims all day. And they micromanaged me. They had a timer on my computer so it could tell how many claims I was processing each minute and it could tell if I wasn't processing claims. I don't even know who "they" were. Once, my boss sat me down and he had this 5-page spreadsheet with numbers on it. My numbers. It was some sort of grid with times on one side and...I don't know, blood stains on the other. He said, "I see that you had a 12-minute gap here where you did not clear any claims. What were you doing?" I replied, "Uh, that was over 3 weeks ago, on a Tuesday. I honestly don't know what I was doing 3 weeks ago on Tuesday from 12:17pm to 12:29pm. I might have been pooping." That's the last time he ever asked me about my "gaps" during which I apparently processed no claims. I guess they referred to them as "pauses." I call them "bathroom breaks" or "stretching my legs" or "contemplating suicide." I may or may not have had "gaps" in my daily numbers during which I was plotting ways in which to take my own life and make it look like an accident. I didn't like working there. I like my job now. My job now actually saved me from killing myself. This isn't a cry for help or anything.
This leads me to my next topic. The hat thing, that is.
So we had a fire drill today. I don't really know what to say about it but I feel like I need to talk about it. It was awkward. We all went outside to the park across from my building and stood there for 2 minutes while someone with a clipboard walked around and checked names off. Someone thought it would be a funny idea to wear stupid hats. There's a guy who works in my office who has been there for a really long time and I don't know why, but he has a million random hats in his cubicle. I can't explain it any better than that. I think I've seen at least one mannequin head wearing a hat. I don't know why. I'm sure there's a story behind it. Have I mentioned that I don't know why? In any case, so a bunch of people wore these hats. I'm guilty and have to admit that I wore one, because I felt like I couldn't write about it unless I participated in it. It was made of faux leopard fur. I'm completely serious. A co-worker of mine did not have a hat to wear because they were all taken. For some reason, this guy also had a stainless steel mixing bowl at his desk. She wore that as a hat. I looked to my left and saw my supervisor wearing what looked like a pumpkin on her head. I looked to my right and saw a co-worker wearing a patriotic-looking Dr. Suess hat. There were a lot. It must have looked really stupid....all of these State employees standing near a fountain wearing a bunch of stupid hats. Your tax dollars at work. I think if this were any other job, I would have asked myself why my life had brought me to this point; but, they pay me so well that I'll stand there all day wearing a stupid hat if if that's what I need to do. I won't question it either. I think the sad turban may have had a place in today's event. The hats weren't a requirement. But the actual fire drill was. Which brings me to my point.
I feel that fire drills at work are silly. Maybe that's the point that was meant to be made by the hat guy. Fire drills were great in grade school - but the 2 minutes that it took for us to do that may have been perceived as a huge waste of time. Not that I would say that. I really didn't care. I did a lot of work today and was happy to get away from my desk.
I understand that employers want a head count of their employees - mainly for liability reasons. I'm sure they care about their employees' safety, but seriously. Fire drills at the office, no matter what kind of place it is, are laughable. Unless Dwight Schrute is facilitating it. Then it's epic. He probably wouldn't want us to wear hats. He'd probably take it seriously. I wish there was a Dwight Schrute in my office. Nobody takes these things seriously. Unless of course, they are in charge of it.
They did not teach us what to do in the event of smoke inhalation. Funny thing, is that when I went out into the hallway, I actually caught myself going the long way to the door on the far end of the building because it comes out right at the park where we were all supposed to meet. Nevermind that you are supposed to go to the nearest exit. Obviously I don't know what to do in the event of a fire. But what about smoke inhalation? Nobody talked to us about that. I think we should all be informed that it would be in our best interest to keep a bottle of water and a rag at our desk. This advice should be shared!
Did you know that fires in the office kill around 200 people each year? But 6,000 people on average each year die in actual home fires. So, uh...maybe people should be doing fire drills at home instead.
Why do they always tell us to walk slowly? If it was a real fire, we would be running. I think that they should implement that practice in fire drills as well. People need to know how to run, maneuver, and take out the people who are slow and weak.
They told us ahead of time that the fire drill would commence at 2:30pm. I feel that fire drills would be more effective if they came without warning. At 2:25, I was wearing my leopard hat and standing around talking. I don't think that a real fire would give us a warning. I think we need to practice being prepared.
I sit near a window. Why won't they let me open the window? If there was a fire out in the hallway, I would be breaking the window and exiting out onto the street.
In closing, I'm sharing another wallpaper with you. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I'm honestly kind of disturbed by it. It's the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Wearing fruit hats. Is it a fire drill? Maybe.
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