UPDATE!!

The blocked caller...was Husband. Trying to mess with me.

You are creepy.

lately

• I don't like passive aggressive status updates. I always think that they are directed toward me. They probably aren't, and shouldn't be, because my friends would call me out on something if I was making them feel bad. So, I am probably just being paranoid. :[
  
• We grilled out tonight. Hamburgers. Or, cheeseburgers. For the second night in a row. I love cheeseburgers lately and fast food is bad, so Husband has been more than happy to break out the grilling. Who says we need to wait until it's warm out? It's freezing cold but it smells like summer outside. I think our neighbors are jealous. Either that, or they think we are weird. I don't care.
• I like maternity jeans.
• Thanks to my friend Amy, I have fallen in love with decaf Via, and have come up with the perfect formula to make blended coffee drinks at home. I'm so happy!!!
• I am pretty sure I felt Kermit move the other day. Husband said he could feel it when he had his hand on my stomach. Like little taps coming from the inside of my belly. It might have been gas, but I'm going to ignore that possibility because it really didn't feel like that.
• My nausea has pretty much gone away for good (crosses fingers). Still tired though, and having to sleep a lot. I'll take that though.
• I love our washer and dryer. It's so much better having one. I never want to be without that again!
• Someone called my phone this morning from a blocked ID. That bothers me. Who would do that? They didn't leave a message. The last time this happened, it went on for days. I later found out it was my maintenance guy's wife, thinking that I was some harlot he was cheating on her with. Why? Because I called his phone twice and left him messages reminding him not to let the cat out when he came over (he had to fix a couple of things and I don't remember what it was). Aside from calling me at all hours of the day and night, she was even calling me at work. I finally called her back (because she made the mistake of forgetting to block her number a couple of times) and left her a message telling her to stop breathing into my phone and leaving me creepy messages, and if she did it one more time without identifying herself, I'd have her arrested. She then called and apologized and gave me some made up story about how they lost their dog and she thought maybe I was the one who had the dog. Okay, psycho. That makes no sense. Why would you call my house at 3am, call my office numerous times, block your number, and breathe into the phone like some creepy beast? Besides, your husband's way older than me and not even hot.
  
• I have been wanting Hostess Ding Dongs for days. I finally got them and was underwhelmed. They aren't as good as I remember.
  
• We trimmed Fred's wings. He was becoming feisty. If you let your birds wings grow so that he can fly and gain lift off, he will get cocky. He'll be mean and not listen. So, we chopped them, and now he's acting like a human being who just had his car keys taken away.
  
• Know what I wish still existed? Crystal Pepsi.
  

love bug.

Here is my sweet pea, 13 weeks and 5 days! You can see a cute nose and ears and cheeks!!

I love my lemon-sized baby.

We had another ultrasound today. Beebee is really growing. Beebee was sound asleep on his/her tummy and did not want to be disturbed.


So the ultrasound lady poked my belly for a while, then beebee woke up, flipped over, and started dancing. Or maybe beebee was just angry for being woken up. Either way, it was super cute.

I wish I could see him/her every day. But for now, I'll be content knowing that he/she is in my tummy going with me wherever I am. :)

pooping. at work.

So...being pregnant has brought on a million different things that I'm not used to, many of which keep making a debut. Every week it's something new, and I'm really trying to just live my life. It's hard, especially when these things interfere with work. I work 40+ hours per week. So basically, I'm spending a huge amount of time at work Monday through Friday, sometimes more so than I am at home.

When you are pregnant, you have issues with pooping. Sometimes you can't poop, and sometimes you poop too much. If this topic embarrasses you, grow a pair and accept the fact that you or someone you know will inevitably have to face this topic head on and find a way to cope.

I wish that I had come up with this on my own. Sadly, I cannot take credit. Then again, maybe that's a good thing. I can, however, relate to a lot of these things. Thank you Jessie for pointing me in this direction. The fact that someone actually spent time compiling these facts helps me to realize that I am not alone.

What Happens When I'm At WORK and I have to Poop?

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

For more interesting facts and other information about pooping, visit this website.

saturday night randoms

• I wanted tiramisu. Husband surprised me by stopping at one of my favorite Italian restaurants and picking some up. I love him.

• I was just barefoot in the kitchen. Barefoot and pregnant. Making a casserole. I might do laundry later and vacuum. I'm a feminist's worst nightmare.
• I miss the sun.
• I drank too much milk last night and got a stomach ache. I am craving milk again and am afraid to drink too much.
• Does anyone have a good recipe for a virgin mudslide? If so, let me know. I need one.
• Fred is currently standing on one foot, with his eyes closed, grinding his beak in a happy way, listening to Sarah Mclachlan sing "The Rainbow Connection."
  
• It's going to be another cold night. The high is -18 degrees. Yes, that's a minus sign. I am looking forward to me+electric blanket.
• Brother-in-law is on his way to Chicago to watch the Packer/Bear playoff game. I hope his tickets aren't fake.
  
• I had fun at my company party last night.
• But the chicken tasted funny to me.
  
• I have discovered a new love for kiddy cocktails.
• I wish I had the motivation to get back into knitting. It has been a while. Maybe some new yarn would inspire me. Do you like yarn? If so, you must checkout Darn Good Yarn. It's fantastic. You can get yarn made from sari ribbon, banana fiber, hemp & nettle....and it's unique and beautiful and comes from amazing sources. Seriously, you won't be disappointed. Here is some that I've bought in the past. You're welcome. :)

I made a scarf. :)

oh brr!!! part deux.

I survived. Do not fear.

We had to go to school to pick up a book for Husband's anatomy and physiology class. Then, we stopped by my mom's work and visited her. She works at a health food store. I'm a big fan of organic stuff, and a big fan of my mom. Then we had to drop off something at our landlord's office. Husband had to remove the baseboard heater in our downstairs bathroom so we could fit the new washer and dryer in there. I called Landlord to make sure it was okay. He said it was fine, and just to drop off a note reminding him that he gave us permission to do it so he could put it in our tenant file. He said I could literally just hand write a note. But, being the anal person I am, I drafted this contract looking thing and signed it. Whatever. He'll appreciate my thoroughness and my professionalism.

We dropped off a loan payment at the bank.

We went to this Mennonite country store and bought snacks and hot cocoa mix. Random? I know. I also got hummus. And vegetable chips.

We also went to Michael's. I got a coloring book. Don't ask.

We ate lunch at a Erbert's & Gerbert's.

Husband got the washer and dryer all hooked up. I hate renting. There's always some issue. The valve that he had to hook up the cold water hose to was leaking. We had to have the plumber come out and fix it, and it's still not totally fixed. Husband said he'll watch it...there's still a small leak, but it might not be much to worry about. If it starts leaking into the basement though, they are going to get another phone call.

Oh, speaking of washer and dryer....I'm a loser and had to take pictures of our new appliances, because I am so excited about them!!!!

So many buttons! Here is our washer:

Here is our dryer. And my face!!

Husband has to level the feet on the washer before I use it again so it doesn't bounce around and destroy itself during the spin cycle.

So I'm happy. We won't have to bother our friends and family anymore by coming over and using their facilities to do our laundry.

What else...I took a short nap. Under my new electric blanket that my mom got for us. I'm so lucky. This thing rules. It's soft chenille material and doesn't even feel like an electric blanket...and it has dual controls on both sides of the bed. So if Husband doesn't want his side as warm as mine, he doesn't have to worry. He never turns his on. I on the other hand, keep mine at a level 6. It's perfect. But now someone asked me if I should even be using it while I'm pregnant. I find conflicting things when I google it, so I really don't know. My thinking is, I'm not overheating, they're made better nowadays and aren't emitting high enough EMFs to hurt me or my baby....I should be fine. I'll ask the doctor on Monday when I go in.

I have to go to my holiday party for work tonight. It's just dinner. I already paid for Husband to go with me. Now I don't want to go. I'm lethargic and tired and just don't feel like socializing. But I'll feel bad if I don't go. Especially since it's dinner and Husband is excited to eat.

oh brr!!!

Today is the coldest day of the year. No, that's not an exaggeration. It really is. That being said, I took a personal day. The idea was to stay hibernated in my electric blanket. But Husband thinks it's a fabulous idea to go run errands. I don't want to sit home alone. So, off I go. If I you don't hear from me again, that means I'm frozen somewhere on the side of the road. Yay for -24 degrees and -40 windchill.

rut

First off....sorry if the previous blog post offended you.

1.) It was not all coming from my head. I referenced where some of that came from.
2.) It wasn't meant to be negative. It was meant to be sarcastic and funny.

Okay. :)

Moving on...on a more serious note.....I think I'm getting depressed. Really. I don't know if it's hormonal (it probably is) or if it's the weather (it probably also is)....but I'm really feeling unhappy and gloomy lately, and nothing cheers me up. I'm pretty sure it's due to the above two things, but I'm seriously in a huge rut. I feel like a mini vacation would make it better, but I don't want to go to some stupid place like some indoor waterpark. I want to go AWAY somewhere warm. About this time of year is when Jason and I start planning something and now we can't, for obvious reasons. And I'm really depressed about it. I tried suggesting something to my mom, that maybe we can get away for a girl's weekend and go to San Fran and visit family. It really wouldn't be that expensive. Her response? "Eh, no...I have plans in March to go to Portland with my friends." And it's not like I can be mad or anything. It's not like she owes it to me to plan a vacation with me. I just figured she'd want to. It came as a shock to me. I've now come to the realization that my mom does her own thing now, and I pretty much am not included anymore. And that's okay. She deserves that, I mean, it's her time now to do that stuff. I'm just sad. I'm upset that Husband gets to go to Florida in April and Puerto Rico in May while I get to sit here and rot in the cold while my belly gets bigger. All I want is a weekend. Three days somewhere warm. Not 3 hours north of here either. An actual place with salt water and sunlight.

I'm depressed and I feel like nobody around me cares, and everyone else gets to be happy about everything they have going on. People make suggestions and I like to believe that they are honestly trying to be helpful but I feel as though they are just undermining how I feel. I don't want to stay in a hotel an hour from here. I don't see how that would help. Look, I'm the one who has to be stuck at home while growing a baby and then I get to pop it out of my vagina and be tied down for the next who knows how many years. I'm sick of it already and it hasn't even happened yet, and sometimes I question why I even wanted to get pregnant. I'm sure I'll feel differently, but right now I'm just upset at everyone. And I feel like nobody understands how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling this way.

I don't even know. And that makes it even worse. :(

don't do that.

Hey, lab assistant. Do me a favor. Don't dig around in my arm with a needle. If you "aren't sure" the vein is there, don't poke me hoping something will happen, and then literally dig around with the needle. Do you KNOW how much that hurts?

I had to have some blood drawn today. The midwife wants to have my thyroid checked. I guess the Urgent Care doctor may not have been so wrong. Remember the obsession with my thyroid?

Well, it's SLIGHTLY high. As in, normal would be 12 and mine was at 12.75. Don't ask me what any of that means. In dumb translation, they can give me some medication to balance it out, and as a result my metabolism will speed up, I'll feel better and have more energy, and probably lose weight. Heck yes. Would have been nice if they had done this years ago. I may never have had to graduate to double digit sizes. So, we will see. I'm hoping for something. Anything to improve me and my quest for hotness. Pregnant or not.

Also, stop commenting on my sleep or lack of. Sometimes I complain about how I'm not sleeping well. People respond with, "Better get used to it!" or, "Enjoy the sleep you do get, because that won't last long!" Or sometimes, "You better sleep now because once that baby gets here...." Why? Do babies not sleep?! Next you'll be telling me that they poop too! OMG!! Whatever, sleep is for ugly people. That's what I'd like to say, but I don't.

Here's another thing you shouldn't do. Don't comment on a pregnant woman's size (large or small) unless you know for a FACT that she won't take it the wrong way. This pretty much eliminates your permission to do this unless it's your BFF or yourself. Get it? That being said, I want to share some wonderfully funny things that I found on another blog, pregnantchicken.com. Also the place that I lifted some funny pregnancy photos from not too long ago.

Don't say these things unless you will enjoy the following responses.

"You're huge!"

• I know!! It's like I'm growing a whole baby or something!
• Holy crap, you too!
• I don't know why either, all I consume these days is cocaine and Diet Sprite. Weird, huh?

"Don't you know what causes that?"

• Public pools, right?
• Yes, having sex.
• Why are you asking? Can't you remember?

"How many more babies are you going to have?"

• It depends on how many we sell.
• We plan to keep going until we have an ugly one.
  

"You're not going to find out the sex? But don't you want to know? It would... drive me crazy!"

• It wouldn't matter anyway because we're naming it Thermos the Third whether it's a boy OR a girl.
• I'm kind of hoping it's neither and it's just gas.
  

‎"Should you be eating that?"

• No, I should be eating lots of it.
  

"Feeling fat yet?"

• Whoa, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How weird is that?!

“You still haven’t had that baby yet?”

• I'm trying to hold it in so I can finish a novel I'm working on.
• Oh, I had it, I just left it in the car today.
• Don’t worry; you will know when your husband starts paying child support.

"Was this an accident?"

• Were you?
• Yes! I tripped and fell on a weiner.
  

"You're so small!"

• A really heavy person said that to me yesterday too. I guess it's all relative.

And on another note, this girl had some good things to say regarding miscarriage. As someone who has lost a baby (not too long ago either), I can totally relate. Don't say these things to someone if they miscarried. I mean seriously, what is the matter with people? You think you're helping and you're not.

It wasn't meant to be. It doesn't cut it when they are out of your shoe size and it sure doesn't cut it when you've lost a baby.

It was God's plan. Some people find comfort in this statement. I, despite being a church going lady, do not. Why? Because it's not fricken in God's plan for people to lose people they love, least of all babies who never got a chance to live. It's not God's plan. It was never God's plan.

You can have more. Thanks, that helps a lot. Like when you go to Culver's and they only give you half of an order of cheese curds even though you ordered a whole order. You can get more. Because that's the same kind of thing, you know.

It was probably from all your _______ (stress, jumping, eating, breathing, etc). More than one person actually said this to me, in different ways. One person said something along the lines of, "You should have been resting more!!" Yes, because that's why I lost my baby. I wasn't sleeping/resting enough, despite the fact that I was sleeping all the time. You see, you are right. I was actually playing ice hockey and rugby and participating in competitive rock wall climbing. Anyone who blames you for losing your baby deserves a swift kick in the tooth.

At least you have your other children. Okay. Don't worry about the fact that your ear just fell off. You have another one.

This isn't bad, so-and-so had three miscarriages. Yes, correct. The fact that so-and-so had this happen to her more than once reminds me that I shouldn't feel bad that it happened to me. I'm not allowed to be sad, I feel much better now! Thank you!

At least you weren't that far along. If I won the lottery, I would have it mentally spent in about 20 minutes. These couples have had weeks, if not months, to think about a baby that isn't going to happen now. Saying something like that is just undermining their loss.

And finally, one more thing (on a much lighter note). Don't tell me that I'm not going to win the lottery. No, in fact - DO tell me that. Because the more you tell me that, the more regret and embarrassment you will feel when I finally do win the Powerball and don't buy you anything.

HA!

I promise...

I promise not to become a mom who wears mom jeans.

I promise not to get a mom haircut.

I promise not to drive a minivan (sorry, I know a lot of you like those, but I don't).

I promise not to show every person in the world pictures of my kid unless they express interest in wanting to see them.

I promise not to update my Facebook status with every single little thing my kid does. I realize that no matter how excited I am, nobody is going to care that my baby rolled over, made a weird noise, or peed in the toilet. Nobody will care except for my close friends and family. I promise to remember that.

I promise to not allow my kid to make a huge mess in a restaurant and think it's cute and not try to clean it up.

I promise to leave the grocery store if my child won't stop screaming.

I promise not to leave dried food or snot on my kid's face.

I promise to change my clothes before I go shopping if it so happens that my kid spit up or drooled all over me.

I realize that these are things that people forget about...but they're all things that gross me out. I don't want to do these things. So, that being said, I promise not to.

Monday

No work today. I love federal holidays when I can get paid to stay home.

Or in my case, go shopping.

Something is wrong with my hair. I had my stylist (and good buddy) thin it out and make it look nice on Friday. She used different products in it. Now, despite washing it multiple times, the roots at the crown of my head remain sticky/oily, and it's really upsetting me. I've even tried using dish soap to get it out (whatever it is) and nothing works. I don't know what to do. So, I backcombed it today (after washing and drying it again) and used a bunch of hair spray so that it doesn't look like a grease puddle. Now, I just look like someone from Jersey Shore. Sick.

I went to Target in hopes of finding something to fix it. I really didn't feel like going to the salon just yet. I found some Neutrogena anti-buildup shampoo. It's supposed to strip your hair of any product buildup. It's a bit harsh so you can only use it once a week at most. I'm hoping this does the trick. I'm just happy I found it. If this doesn't work, I'll go back to the salon and ask for help. Or, I'll see what kind of de-greaser my dad has in the garage. I did email Emily so hopefully she gets back to me with a solution.

On a side note, I drove myself to Target. Husband had to attend a funeral today for a family friend. I couldn't go. I just don't feel very good. The nausea came back this morning. No fun. I'm feeling a bit better. And, I'm proud that I drove the car today. I've been sort of terrified of driving lately.

So I went to Target...got some shampoo....and also picked up some comfy maternity clothes. I also found the water bottle I originally wanted to get. Now I can leave the manly jug at home and take the pretty purple bottle to work. Hooray!

I also went to The Coffee Grounds and got another white hot chocolate. Despite the fact that my friend thinks it tastes like puke in a cup, it really doesn't taste like that to me. I am convinced that they just made hers wrong.

I'm going to my boss's house this afternoon to bake cookies. I'm lucky to work with someone who I love so much. I don't know how this happened. Most people avoid their bosses both at work and outside of work. Not me.

Also, there is chili in the crockpot for supper. But I can't take credit for that. My husband cooks, too. :)

from frogger to beebee

Kermit caused a ruckus. Kermit would not let us hear his/her heartbeat today with the doppler at our appointment with the midwife. I was becoming upset, but I didn't show it. I prayed and prayed, "Please?" Still couldn't find it. The midwife said not to worry, that it happens a lot this early. I'm just over 12 weeks. Plus, I'm chubby. Don't hate. But it all worked out, because she snuck me in for a quick tummy ultrasound. The ultrasound lady was nice enough to quickly do a scan while on her lunch break. It was like a covert operation. I got a picture of my beebee, didn't have to pay for it, and got to hear the heartbeat. 158 beats per minute by the way. :)


Now, for those who don't know what they are looking at, this might help.

nothing really.

When people talk about a certain food, all of a sudden I want it.

How is it I can have a ton of money in the bank and then it's all gone after bills are paid??

I'm out of yogurt. And granola.

I am hungry.

All I do lately is talk about food. I hope this isn't going to be a trend.

I haven't taken pictures in a while. Of, well, anything. Because it's too cold to go outside. I can't believe I live here. These conditions aren't fit for humans. If you have to wear a fur hat to be warm, then really, you should have fur ON you as part of your body...which means you should be some sort of fur bearing animal to live here. I am not one of those creatures. I belong in the sun.

Tomorrow is Friday, thus a super half day. AND, I get to go and listen to my kid's heartbeat again. Yay!

My cat likes to lay on my stomach all the time. I think it's cute.

You should see Pineapple Plant. He is growing wonderfully by the base board heater.

I ate a corn muffin today. I also ate leftover quesadillas. With a plastic knife, because I was at work and forgot to bring a fork.

I have nothing interesting to say.

these things

I was thinking today.....there are a lot of things I want to eat or drink that I can't eat or drink right now. As soon as I'm able to, you better understand that nothing will come between me and a plate of sushi (among other things).

I'm upset that I can't have sushi. Seriously, it's just stupid. What do people in Japan do then? There are pregnant women in Japan and sushi is a huge diet staple over there. I am willing to bet you any amount of money that Japanese pregnant women eat sushi ALL THE TIME!!!!

The same goes for European women and unpasteurized cheese. I'm positive that French women eat things like Brie and goat cheese. I don't think that it's fair that I can't have it. That, along with bleu cheese. I can't have hot wings with bleu cheese dressing and that's fricken unfair.

And alcohol? It's not even beer or wine or vodka that I want. All I want is a mudslide with Bailey's and Kahlua. And I can't have it, and there are no substitutes. Sucks.

Same goes for raw cookie dough. HOMEMADE raw cookie dough. I can't fricken have that either. Or sunny-side-up or over-easy eggs. Breakfast is no fun anymore.

Summer sausage? Or how about a great deli meat sandwich? Forget it. Sadness prevails.

And don't even get me started on coffee. I know that a lot of pregnant women have caffeine, but I can't bring myself to do it. Which means I haven't had a good cup of coffee in three months now. For someone who used to work at Starbucks, this is a difficult thing. I know that many times decaf tastes the same, but it doesn't make me feel the same.

I can't take my Adderall either, so I can't think.

Cold chicken? Or any type of cold meat for that matter? Nope. Aside from deli meat, I can't have any type of cold salad with meat in it. It's not fair.

I find it hard to believe that babies will be born without limbs or ears or something in the event that I eat forbidden food. But I'm not willing to risk it. There are so many no-nos out there and it has been ingrained in my mind so I cannot possibly enjoy life if I were to eat these things while pregnant. It is hard to enjoy life sometimes without eating them too though.

My cravings are definitely pregnancy related. Why else would I be eating barbecue meat?? I can't wait until things get back to normal and I can go back to being a vegetarian. I'm like Phoebe, from friends.

And since Youtube is stupid and won't give me an embed code, I urge you to click on this link so you can understand what I am going through.

Phoebe craves meat, and so do I.

cast your votes for parent of the year.

I got this in an email. Terrible.

teehee.

search keywords

This has to be mentioned. I can't stop laughing.

I was looking at my blogger stats. It tells me all kinds of stuff...aside from how many people view my blog, how many times each post is looked at, where the traffic originated from (like, Facebook, etc.), what country my readers are from...and of course, "search keywords," as in, what people have typed in a search engine which led them to my page. Some of these things are hilarious, and I don't know how it was linked to my page. Then again, a lot of things don't make sense. Enjoy.

"lobster's closest relative"
"michael graves prep bowls"
"thigh high socks"
baby bunting knitting pattern
baby kitten bread
do cats hold grudges?
hi pumpkin
how do i know what tension is on my spinning bike?
if moss is on outside of pineapple
is it possible for amniotic sac to be intact at miscarriage <---(this one made me sad). :(
lemonade cupcakes with lemon cake mix
mostly organic blog
nick toon
roaring 20s eyeshadow

and my favorite....

suspect coworker pregnant, to ask or not

I think I'll check these periodically and post them for your (or my own) enjoyment.

ode to my husband

Okay, this isn't really going to be an "ode" because that means I'd have to be creative. I don't have the energy for that. I really just want to point out some of the many things Husband has done for me lately and make it clear that I am a super lucky lady.

See this guy? I'm so lucky to have him. :)


He married me, and I don't know why.

He drives me everywhere, even to work at 6:30am when he has no reason to be up that early. And why? Because the pregnancy is making me feel icky, tired, and I'm scared of driving when the roads have the potential of being slippery.

He does the dishes all the time.

He cleans the catbox.

He takes out the garbage.

He does the laundry.

He makes the bed.

He rubs my back every night.

He always fills up my water bottle and heats up my heating pad.

I fricken love him more than anything.

Some people might think we look weird together. Because he's so white, and I'm not. Ha!

But that's okay, because my hand fits perfect with his.

There is much much more, of course....but these few things are really important and mean so much to me. I appreciate him 24/7, and I appreciate him even MORE when he isn't around, because I notice how lost I am when he isn't here.

Like right now, and how the cat just vomited up all of her wet food that she just ate, and I have to clean it up.

11 step program for those thinking of having kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent.

once a month...

OH! Before I forget, here is a fun wallpaper! I'm going put this on my computer when I get back to work on Monday. I love it.

I hate the first weekend of the month. Unless the first weekend of the month is a holiday, then I hate the second weekend of the month. It sucks. That's the weekend Husband always has to leave for training. It's worse in the winter time, because I always worry about him driving an hour and a half if the roads are bad. I know I shouldn't worry. He's a good driver. I just worry though and I can't help it. I should stop, because it's not going to help anything, and it certainly isn't going to make it easier on me. Then, being pregnant, I get sad and cry, and he feels bad about having to leave. So I pretty much make it worse for both of us.

I want chocolate. So before he left, I went to the store with him. He had to pick up some snacks. So I wanted to get chocolate. I wanted chocolate mousse. You can get the instant kind from the box and it takes 5 minutes to make, then you throw it in the fridge for an hour. Now, before you judge me for making boxed dessert, I'll have you know that actual chocolate mousse is a tedious and time consuming project, of which I do not have the energy to embark on.

You need like 7 eggs, chopped bittersweet chocolate, sugar, salt, heavy cream, kirschwasser, drive, ambition; the last two ingredients, the most important, are things I do not have. You have to melt the chocolate over simmering water in a heat-proof bowl, then in another bowl you have to whip the cream into stiff peaks, and if you do it too much making it become grainy, you have to throw it out and start over. Then in a third bowl, you have to whip the egg whites, which you should have separated from the yolks to begin with. Then you have to put sugar in that and whip it into a meringue. THEN you have to fold in the egg yolks and kirschwasser. THEN you have to fold in the melted chocolate. THEN you have to fold in the whipped cream. THEN you have to chill it for 2 hours. By the time you are done, you don't even want it anymore, especially if you are pregnant. And being pregnant, you can't have uncooked egg. I've learned really quick that if I want something, I need to have it within 5 minutes because if it takes forever to make, I won't want it by the time it is done. I suppose there are different ways to make it, but this way is best...

Hence, chocolate mousse from a box. Granted, it's not as good....kind of like microwaving an eggroll. But sometimes you have to lower your expectations in order to be happy. Ooh...eggrolls. That sounds good....

So I am alone with my instant chocolate mousse, my cat, my bird, and a sore tummy. I'm tempted to go with Husband on these weekends as the weather warms up...but then I'll be more pregnant, and what if something goes wrong? On Sundays, he doesn't get done with work until 4:30 yet has to check out of the hotel no later than 10am (he usually does it when he leaves for work at 7am). So this means I would have to check out of the hotel at 10am, and then find something to do for the whole day. I can't shop all day, mainly because I'm so tired and I pee all the time. You can't ask a pregnant woman to have no option of napping for 6 hours straight if she's going to be on her feet the entire time. Not good. So, whatever.

Husband hung up some spray millet for Fred to munch on. He hung it sort of in the middle of his cage. Fred, being the proper bird he is, drug it over to his food dish and eats it over there. Just like someone who would rather eat at the dining room table instead of in front of the television. I love Fred.

I also picked up a box of blueberry muffin mix. Sad, huh? At the store I was in the baking aisle and all of a sudden I wanted cake and muffins. Along with the mousse. Pathetic. Now I have this box of muffin mix that I really shouldn't make. Maybe I'll wait and make it on Sunday when Husband comes home. It's blueberry. Homemade is always better...but blueberries are not in season and I am not going to spend $5 on a 1/4 pint at the grocery store. So, $1.00 Krusteaz muffin mix. Yay! I'm a homemaker.

fat chair vs. love seat

I went to the clinic today. I was telling this story, and after I thought more about it, I think I got it mixed up. A few weeks ago when I was at the clinic for a prenatal appointment, Husband and I were in the waiting room. There was one of those larger chairs that looks like it could be for two people, yet maybe not quite big enough. I told my friend that Husband thought it was a love seat and said we could sit together. But now the more I think about it, I am pretty sure I mixed the story up. I think I may have been the one to tell him to sit by me in the love seat, and he may have told me that it was not in fact a love seat, but a fat chair. Maybe I thought that it was the other way around because I'm in denial that I'm so stupid sometimes. I'm still not sure. He may have said it, or I may have said it. It just doesn't seem like he'd be that clueless. It seems more like something I would do. I don't want to ask him. I'm too embarrassed. Either way, I know now that this is not a seat for two. Well it is a seat for two...if you are referring to two larger butt cheeks. But really, just a seat for one person. Or perhaps two toddlers who are naughty. Or two adults who really want to be close and uncomfortable.


A love seat is much wider and roomier, and comfortable. A love seat allows you to be comfortable and put your legs on the person who is sitting with you. Here's a love seat. And just in case there is any confusion, my friend here will point out that it is for TWO people. Or, she might be making a peace sign. I'm not sure.


Now, if you are of a larger stature, don't take offense to me calling it a 'fat chair.' In reality, it's my favorite chair to sit on. Maybe that means I have a big butt.

sigh.

I cried at work today while eating a banana. I don't even know why. I was telling Jessie about how I'm really hormonal lately and emotional, and how I keep screwing up and saying the wrong thing and offending people. I offended her. She was telling me about something with work and my response basically sounded like I was telling her that the way she does her job is stupid. Which is totally not what I meant to say at all. And then this morning, I said something to Husband that came out wrong and I hurt his feelings. I feel like a bad friend and a bad wife. Or I am taking things the wrong way and getting more upset than I need to. As I was explaining all of this to her while eating a banana, I started to cry.

I feel okay now. Maybe because I ate pasta. Not like that changes things, but pasta with pesto is really good. I made too much though, so now I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll cry about that too.

Jessie has a sweet BPA-free water bottle with a built-in straw that she got from Target. I wanted one too, so I went after work to get one, and they didn't have anymore. They only had the kind that was huge. Hers was like, a 24-ounce and the only one they had was a 32-ounce. They also only had blue and not pink. I almost started to cry. But I really wanted a BPA-free water bottle with a built-in straw because I need to drink more water, and I will drink more if I get to use a straw. So, I got it, but it's huge and has a handle and looks more like some sort of manly jug and it's blue. I almost cried.

But then I found Ben & Jerry's Mud Pie ice cream, and decided to buy it. I haven't really been craving sweets at all, believe it or not. How weird is that. And I'm not craving this ice cream. But it looked good, so I bought it for a time when I will need it. Because sometimes people need things like that.

Husband went to buy a lottery ticket tonight. The jackpot is something around $300 million. I'm positive we will win. You know, because it's highly likely, of course. Then maybe we can go on a babymoon before the baby is born. I wish we were people who could do that. I wish that Husband was done with school so we could be a dual income household and be able to go on a vacation once in a while. If we were, we'd go to Hawaii. I'd use two weeks of vacation and we'd go to Hawaii and go to the Dole plantation so I could have some pineapple ice cream. We'd go see Volcano National Park. We'd go to the beach. I'd dig a hole in the sand so I could lay on my stomach. We'd eat guava and lychees from a tree. We'd watch the sunset and kiss each other. But we aren't those people, so we won't be doing that, and all I have is pineapple from a can and Galapagos on DVD. And I have to watch it in the basement. Also, I haven't felt the sun in ages. I live in the Arctic, and it's not even fun, because there are no penguins, moose, or polar bears. I'm wearing socks that have polar bears on it. That's the closest I'll come to anything.

Husband is all pumped because he received a free 10-day trial of Cataclysm from Blizzard. He likes World of Warcraft but rarely plays it, because he's in school, and just doesn't have time (nor do we have the extra money to be spending right now). But now he has this free trial. He wolfed down his pasta and bolted upstairs. I hear him killing monsters. I'm downstairs. I am lonely, cold, and lacking things.

sad.

I'm sick of crying. Here are things I have cried over lately:

-Worrying about not having enough money when the baby comes.

-Worrying about something bad happening to my husband when he's away doing military stuff...even if he's only at the airport an hour and a half away.

-Worrying about becoming one of those Walmart moms with bad hair, a big butt, and driving a rusted minivan.

-The fact that my family took "family" Christmas pictures without me (but included my brother's girlfriend) in the middle of a weekday while I was at work. My mom said, "You knew we were going to do pictures. You knew we were leaving at 4:00 that day to take him to the airport." Yet, no, in actuality they told me that they were leaving at 5:00 because they knew that I was working until 4:00 that day and wanted me to be able to see him before he left. Furthermore, she failed to mention that they planned to do them in the middle of the day on a Tuesday...knowing full well that I was unable to take time off from work that week, and not even bothering to tell me about it ahead of time. I got to find out about it when they posted the pictures on Facebook. Then, in a feeble attempt to downgrade my feelings even more, my mom says, "Well I wanted to do them the night before but you didn't want to." Well for one, the other night that she wanted to do them, she didn't mention it to me until after I was already over there, after a long day of work, looking and feeling like crap and wearing sweatpants. A little prior notice would have been helpful, so that maybe I could have put on some makeup and a nice sweater. Of course this is totally my fault though. It's like she doesn't want to take responsibility for the fact that she screwed up and hurt my feelings. I should probably just blow it off, because apparently I'm the only one who is affected by it. Then she tagged me in the pictures, as if to add insult to injury. I untagged myself, and then I cried some more.

-Billy the Exterminator - the episode where they saved a rabbit with a paper plate.

-The fact that my coworker did not want to order lunch from the same place I did.

-The fact that nothing fits me.

-The fact that we have no washer and dryer of our own and always have to take our laundry somewhere to wash it. Furthermore, the fact that I work all day every day and don't have time to do the laundry, and my husband said he would do it today but he didn't do it. Then in an attempt to reassure myself, I thanked him for making dinner because I know he was busy and worked hard all day, and he responded by saying, "It's okay. I actually didn't do much today." Then why didn't he do the laundry? I worked hard today...like I do pretty much every day to support us financially, usually after barely sleeping the night before, all the while feeling tired and nauseous as a result of carrying around this growing fetus on my belly. And now I have no clean clothes for work tomorrow, and I'm crying. Maybe it doesn't matter. It's not like anything fits anyway.

-The ending of Toy Story 3.

-The fact that I can't seem to sleep through the night, ever.

-The fact that my husband refuses to take digestive enzyme pills after he eats so as to prevent the nasty smell of his poop and farts. I don't know why he refuses to take them. It can only help him, and save me from getting sick from the smell. But he won't, and I don't know why. It's like he wants me to throw up or something.

This is a grumpy hormone filled blog. And whether one or more of these things is actually worth being upset about, I'm still upset and I have another 6 months to endure this hormone induced psychosis which makes me cry over everything.

So far, I've enjoyed nothing about being pregnant. And I'm not glowing, either. I'm breaking out like a 13-year old going through puberty. FML.

resolutions. and fingerfoods.

I lied about not making resolutions. I will make some. They are totally doable.

I will have more fun.

I will make more finger foods.

I will do more outside activities.

I would say something like, "I'll stop making fun of people on television" or "I'll stop making fun of people with stupid names," but that's really hard to do. Especially if you are a football player named Nick Toon. Or if you are a local male news anchor and you are obviously wearing lipstick.

Speaking of names...I haven't been able to think of any names that I like enough to force my child to live with it forever. Chances are I'll pick something classic and timeless....a name he or she can like when they're a kid and still feel good about when they are older. Unlike some other people. Check this out. One thing I've learned when it comes to picking a name...imagine your child's name on a resume. Imagine what it would be like if they are a district attorney or some other public figure. Would people take her seriously if her name was Heavenly Spring? Or how about Trinity Star? Sounds more like a stripper name if you ask me. If it's a girl and it sounds like a stripper name, don't use it. And if it sounds like he or she will never be taken seriously, don't use it. "All rise for the honorable Judge, Tremendous Johnson." Seriously.

Sometimes I question what people are thinking. There is nothing wrong with being different, but consider your child and how he or she will feel having to live with the name "Latrina" (which means "toilet" in Italian) or "Meconium" (that nasty oily black stuff that your baby poops out for the first time). Honestly people. Stop it. It needs to end.

I like the name Sophie. And I've always liked the name Isabella. But if I go and name my kid Isabella, everyone will think I did that because of the Twilight movies, which would be both pathetic and sad. And I'd never name my kid after a bad movie character. I suppose people will speculate whatever they want, no matter what name we pick and I'll just have to put up with it or punch them in the face. I'll probably just punch them in the face, as that's much more satisfying and productive. So don't make fun of my kid's name. I'll punch you in the face.

Oh, back to finger foods though - here are two super easy yummy things that I made for New Years Eve to share with my friends. I have no pictures. Sorry.

Piggies in a Blanket:

1 can of crescent rolls
1 small package of little smokies (we used the beef kind)

Pop open the can of crescent rolls. Carefully. This always terrifies me. Cut the triangles smaller, enough to pair one with each mini hotdog. Then, wrap them around the hotdogs. Bake at 350 for 11-13 minutes, until lightly browned on the outside. Super good.

Tortilla Pinwheels

1 package of flour tortillas
2 packages of cream cheese
1 small jar of pimientos
1 packet of dry Ranch mix
3-4 scallions, sliced

Combine all ingredients using the paddle attachment in your stand mixer. Sorry if you don't have a stand mixer. Use a hand mixer then. It helps if you let the cream cheese soften to room temperature. Once mixed, spread on tortillas and roll tortillas up. Refrigerate the rollups for an hour or so to firm up, then cut into slices. I love these things.